Dating A Musician is Difficult - According to Musicians
Dating a musician is surrounded by a strange mythos - teetering between fascination and disgust. Enthralled by the rockstar lifestyle - we all crave more stories about sex, drugs, and other vices - but at arm's length.
Certainly not something we would want to experience first-hand.
What about dating an everyday musician?
You know, the career musician - the talent you see at a local club, or the amazing band on a cruise ship? What about buskers? Do the same concerns and rules apply when dating 99.9% of musicians who aren't living the Motley Crue lifestyle?
There are more than enough articles and social posts out there suggesting it's nearly impossible for musicians to be in a relationship, rationalized by the rockstar stories.
We think it's time to hear from real musicians though.
So we reached out to a network of musicians to get their take - and they certainly had a take. There's quite a bit of content packed in here, so we've added a way to jump around - because we know you came here for one thing...
Table of Contents
The question we asked musicians
A musician's schedule is crazy
Trust issues, as far as the eyes can see
Creative personalities are an acquired taste
Honorable mentions
What musicians think is the solution
Parting thoughts
Now, we did assume that dating a musician comes with inherent challenges, and it seems like that was a good call. So, this was our big question:
"Why is it difficult for musicians to be in relationships?"
40+ musicians answered the call and their takes might surprise you. And for any doubters on a musician's ability to self-reflect, look no further than Matthew Kay's response.
“...from my wife’s pov- hours, unstable income, the requirement for investment in the career vs investment in family/home life. Attention from members of the opposite sex. And in a lot of cases alcoholism and narcissism. Also, long hours required for practice, learning/writing new music, and the insecurity that comes along with it.”
Now, not every answer was as brutally honest as this - we are talking to musicians after all. Sprinkled throughout were some hilarious takes, but the body of responses were valuable insights.
We saw three common themes emerge: hectic schedules, trust issues, and strong creative personalities were the most commonly cited reasons why it's difficult. But what we also gathered was the solution to overcoming the challenge - or at least what seems to be working for those who have overcome the stigma.
A musician's schedule isn't for the faint of heart
Musicians work while others play - and I'm thankful it's that way. If people weren't "playing," there wouldn't be a whole lot of work for musicians.
Simply put…
“...as a full-time working musician, we are always working when everyone else is off (and vis-versa).”
But entertaining non-musicians vs. dating a non-musician is a completely different story. According to musicians, their schedules have a few factors that make it difficult to be in a relationship with them.
You don't see each other
“...the night schedule is a big deal for most day workers bc you start to never see that person.”
This is a big one. If you're dating a musician, nighttime is their prime time to work. And if your partner is also not working odd hours, this can be tough to adjust to.
When you see each other, it's less than magical
Couples need quality time together to maintain intimacy and connection. You might find yourself getting into a phase where you compromise quality time and try to make it work. This means your shows become "quality time" - or not so much.
“Whoever you're dating has to have a flexible schedule, or every "date" is just going to be them see you at work.”
Even the best partner in the world will need more than that. The elephant in the room though is that "quality time" can mean something else entirely than it does for their partners.
“...we are basically "out" 4 or 5 nights a week with no break. So the last thing I want to do on a night off is going anywhere and do anything social... so I'm a terrible person to date because I don't want to do anything ever.”
If your partner wants to go on dates and you're just trying to stay home, it can be a tough pill to swallow.
Not to mention that even when you are home, you may need time to practice, create, or study your craft. Even with the best apps for musicians on the go, not everything can be accomplished away from home base.
False expectations on schedule
Being in a relationship where one partner is constantly at work while the other isn't, is just straight-up difficult. Self-aware musicians know this can be problematic.
Understanding the partner's true perspective before you start dating is crucial.
Nikolay Iliev shared his war story of self-awareness - If your with a person "...who wants someone that works 9AM-5PM. I dated someone that wanted that for one season. Then told her to find an accountant instead"
A bit brutal with a dash of comedy, but Nikolay is right. The expectation that a musician would be able to thrive between 9-5 is unrealistic.
It's not just the hours, but also the number of days
Could you date someone that works 5 nights a week?
What about someone who has "10 gigs a week, averaging 450-500 per year"? Well, that is Joe Kennedy's schedule, and he has successfully found a supportive partner. Round of applause for Joe (also never your partner go, she's a gem.)
Not everyone can hit the partner lottery.
Some musicians don't think their schedules are an issue
“We’re not inherently more difficult to date than... nurses, or anyone else with unconventional schedules. And at least our hours are more stable/predictable than some; we’re rarely going to suddenly be called to play a 12-hour show from midnight to noon on a Tuesday...”
Damn good point Jonno. Maybe we should survey nurses next? Or maybe musicians should get with nurses only. That way they can understand each other.
Trust can make or break a heart
Trust is essential in any relationship, but especially important when dating a musician. After all, musicians are known for being a bit...unpredictable, or at least that's the widely adopted perception.
One response added great clarity to this - Amy Elizabeth Clarke nailed it when she said…
“We work in an industry that has traditionally celebrated behaviors that aren't conducive to being married/committed relationships.”
Temptation is real
While Hollywood glamourized the same thing that created trust issues, the source of stories came from somewhere. And that somewhere is based in reality.
Whether you are selling out arenas or playing to an audience of 12 at Potbelly - the temptation is there. It's just a magnetic field for performers to draw in a listener or fan.
Just when you think Amy Elizabeth Clarke is done spitting truth bullets, she reaches back for this insight, "...this is a daily part of our reality and while many of us have no issue brushing this off as just something drunk people do... our partners have to live in the dark. It's a hard ask of anyone."
Similarly, we heard this…
“A lot of trust is involved because they have other people EVERY DAY, tryna get that musician to hit a note...”
Bonus point for puns.
Opportunities to give into temptation are very real for musicians. Whether they are acted on is another story though.
Cheating: perception or reality?
Temptation is there, of course. And certainly far more for musicians than other jobs - like accountants or food service workers.
Unless your accountant is a magician with a calculator, or your local Panera cook can concoct a mean BLT, I think you'd generally agree that musicians have more temptation than most occupations.
We saw quite a few responses that supported this thought, such as:
“...a musician should never, ever get married... for the mere reason…. ‘oh he’s gonna cheat again...’ period.”
The Manthology Maestro has some pain behind those words - assuming they were accused of something that didn't happen.
We also received quite a few notes about how fans sort of buy into the cheating vibe - a special breed for sure.
“...they don’t really care about your marital status cause they want to stand out from the crowd...”
The unknowns can weigh on your partner
Whether true or not, non-musicians will believe that there is always a reason to question trust.
And that can create a lot of false narratives for a partner that doesn't fully trust their musician counterpart, or simply isn't by their side all of the time.
Anthony Smith's comment is a perfect example: "...can't tell you how many times a relationship started because of how we met on stage and ended because they wanted me to give up that stage due to insecurities."
We received so many notes from musicians about how meeting someone to date while performing became the same thing that ended their relationship.
What relationship doesn't have these concerns though? While the temptation is more readily available for musicians, the level of trust is important for any occupation.
I leave you with the wise words on trust, from Douglas Waddell; a fellow musician of course:
“It doesn't matter if you're a banker going on business trips or a musician going on tour. You need trust and respect between the two individuals first. Without that. Any dating scenario or marriage will fail no matter what your profession is.”
Not everyone can handle a creative personality
Name someone creative - just the first person that comes to mind. Now, think about their significant other or others. How did that go? That's right - not so great.
Creative people are inherently challenging to be around because what makes them good at their craft can also be debilitating in nearly every other setting, like dating.
Some call it asshole genius
I wish I had come up with that name, but all credit to Chingatu Madre (a hilarious name on its own) - they said, "I believe that any creative field will have what I call, "Asshole geniuses." Not all of them are geniuses, but there's a creative streak with a certain inflexible rigidity because they can't stand when things interrupt their process or vision."
Musicians are often opinionated people. They have strong feelings about the music they create and the way it should be performed. This can sometimes lead to conflict with other musicians, as well as with fans and critics.
And the same sentiment can creep into relationships - which may not end well.
Art is emotional - so are artists
Many people think of musicians as creative and passionate people. And that's true - musicians often have a lot of emotion invested in their music.
But that passion can also lead to conflict in relationships and sometimes that emotion can get the best of them.
“We musicians tend to be more emotional and reactive... So a lot of times dating a musician can be a challenge because they don’t know how to turn that side of themselves off sometimes.”
That's certainly not to say that all musicians are emotionally unstable - but it is something to be aware of.
On-stage persona vs off-stage
The persona of a musician is not always representative of who they are as a person. Musicians often put on a show for their fans - but this doesn't always represent who they are off stage.
“...don’t expect the same guy off-stage as the one you saw on stage. I think most of us are introverts who need our time away from the crowds but still have to feed some sort of desire to perform or create.”
This can lead to some problems in dating, as the significant other may not always understand or appreciate the on-stage persona, or perhaps they want the on-stage persona at home.
“...people who date musicians are attracted to the stage persona and actually turned off by the person we are, off-stage...”
The personality of musicians is such a difficult field to navigate for dating - you can't flip a switch. Your greatest strength can also be your greatest weakness. The strong feelings about the music they create, the general emotions of life, and how they have to be different people aren't always a great fit for dating.
Honorable mentions on why it's difficult to date musicians
Money talks
Money is the number one cause of divorce. And let's just say that a musician's wage is not always equal to the amount of effort.
“What’s the difference between a large pizza and a lead guitarist? A large pizza can actually feed a family of 4. That’s what it’s like being in a relationship with a musician!”
Substances
The lifestyle of a musician lends itself to partying and excess. This can take a toll on relationships, as substance abuse is damaging.
“You can't go down this rabbit hole without talking about substance abuse. However, it's not just musicians. Artists tend to gravitate towards a lifestyle of these things and dating/marrying another increases the odds dramatically that your "significant other" will be dealing with the repercussions of this lifestyle...”
Musicians know the solution to making a relationship work
And by and large, they think the key is to either be with another musician, or at least someone who intensely gets your passion and understands your lifestyle.
Musicians should date musicians
It felt like these responses were fueled by life lessons - like a younger version of themselves helped them write this in. We had so many responses to this solution though, that there has to be merit.
There were a few reasons behind these suggestions though.
The "only way" answers.
Some, like David Daigneault, believe there isn't another option, plus he dropped a great Harry Potter reference .
"...I firmly believe it takes one to know one. I do not expect muggles to know our ways."
10 points for Gryffindor and David.
The "cute" answers.
We saw it come to life in the cutest ways possible, like Laura Brandenburg's take: "...We go to gigs and jams together and we play, rehearse and write music together whenever we want. A lot of our friends are musicians, writers, and artists. We all inspire and encourage each other."
The "shared understanding" answers.
This was the most widely shared belief, but the ability of another musician to understand the demands was at the heart of many answers. Here are a few samples of that thought, told in varying ways.
“...I date and live with a musician. We play together and also have separate endeavors and are both full-time. It's perfect harmony! Pun intended!”
“It didn’t work too well with my prior relationships. Now I’m married to a musician and we understand that music has to be part of both of our lives for us to be happy.”
“I’ve been with my hubby for 24 years. We are both musicians... we get each other and understand the lifestyle, traveling, and late nights. I think you have to be secure in yourself, loyal, supportive, and independent to endure the time apart. It works for us even though we miss each other.”
Non-musicians can still understand the passion and lifestyle
There's a camp that just thinks it comes down to getting the person who understands you intently, not so much needing to be a musician to do so.
“...my ex looked at music like a rival... You can’t be with someone who resents your passion/career.”
I think that’s a perfect way to assess what could make it work. Whether you're a musician or not, just being able to appreciate the passion will make it work.
A partner that just gets it - the long nights, touring, late rehearsals, and more were all symptoms of dating a musician that was either loved or loathed by those who wrote in. But for the ones that could make it work with a non-musician, this was understood.
“I married one of the servers at the Piano Bar. She knew the lifestyle, and we had both been in the environment long enough to know the temptations involved.”
Just Folkin Witcha shared a thought about leaving the industry then coming back - and how having a long relationship before it makes it much easier - "if you've been with one a long time it gets easy. Because you can see how much happier they are with music than without." (Sorry to embarrass you, but this was a pretty sweet sentiment.)
And finally, Ron Soltis will bring us home on this topic:
“...we are a pretty great team. Our schedules are both erratic so we both understand. Besides the initial animal attraction... having a similar sense of humor is a must-have because otherwise, you will self-destruct... Before her l was .. a solo act.”
With a pun like that Ron, it's obvious why someone snatched you up.
A few think musicians dating musicians is a bad idea
The thought of dating someone with the same passion and lifestyle as you seems like a perfect match, but some people think it could lead to even more intensity and demands on your time.
Depending on the personality though, this could create an unhealthy level of competition or some sort of success insecurity. "I was married to a musician. She was not a writer, she just sang covers. I make a distinction, and she didn't appreciate it" - Dean Madonia
There's always a naysayer in the bunch.
Parting thoughts
I certainly have two unrelated takeaways to our research, but profound nonetheless.
The first is that musicians are funny - like really funny. Maybe it's the creative element that allows us to take a step back and appreciate the humor in all of it. But even among stories of bad breakups and divorces, humor was always present in the responses. I suppose comedy is just a different form of tragedy.
Here are the responses that made me laugh - almost to the point where my wife kept checking on me.
“Don’t.”
“I used to say I didn’t want to date a musician after the first husband... Finally, I did date a non-musician, and then I realized- ‘Uh oh, HE’S stuck dating a musician!’”
“Depends how many guitars you consider ‘too many’. If the answer is a number, then don’t date a musician.”
“Bollox to all that, dating musicians is the best!!! Ask ALL of my exes.”
“What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless!”
“I’m extremely easy to date. It’s all my ex’s fault.”
And the second takeaway - every musician needs spellcheck. Badly. I've had to take some liberties with the responses you'll see below, just for legibility. Every respondent must have been daydreaming during high school English class.
Joking aside, special thanks to every musician who joined the survey - it's greatly appreciated.
The truth is, dating anyone isn't easy
Dating a musician comes with its own set of challenges for sure. But if you can find someone who understands the passion and the lifestyle, it seems like dating a musician could be pretty magical... but maybe I'm biased.
So there you have it, 40 professional musicians weighing in on why it’s so damn hard to date them. And the answer is pretty unanimous: It’s tough if there are trust issues, strange schedules, and creative personalities can often be misunderstood.
But wouldn't those make any relationship difficult???
Regardless, if you can find someone who also understands the lifestyle and appreciates it for what it is, then a musician just might make the perfect partner.
Hit us with what you think challenges and solutions are for dating a musician, in the comments section.
