(This Song's Just) Six Words Long
This song is just six words long This song is just six words long This song is just six words long This song is just six words long
Couldn't think of any lyrics No I never wrote the lyrics So I'll just sing any old lyrics That come to mind, child
You really need words Whole lotta rhyming words You gotta rhyme so many words, mm-mm To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it To do it, to do it right, child
This song is just six words long This song is just six words long This song is just six words long This song is just six words long
I know that you're probably sore 'Cause I didn't write any more I just didn't get to complete it So that's why I gotta repeat it
This song is just six words long (six words long) This song is just six words long (six words long)
Oh I make a lotta money They pay me a ton of money They're payin' me plenty of money To sing this song, child
I gotta fill time Three minutes worth of time Oh, how will I fill so much time, mm-mm I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo A solo, a solo here
This song is just six words long This song is just six words long This song is just six words long This song is just six words long
This song's got nothin' to say But I'm recording it anyway I know if I put my mind to it I know I could find a good rhyme here
Oh, you gotta have-a music You need really catchy music This song has got plenty of music But just six words, child
And so I'll sing' em over And over and over and over And over and over and over, mm-mm And over and over and over And over and over and over again
Six words long, six words long Six words long, six words long Six words long, six words long
This song is just six words long It's just six words long
A Complicated Song
Uh huh ... extra cheese Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me
Pizza party at your house I went just to check it out Nineteen extra larges What a shame No one came
Just us eatin' all alone You said, Take the pizza home No sense lettin' all this go to waste So then I faced
Pizza all day And every day This cheese 'round the clock Is gettin' me blocked And I sure don't care For irregularity
Tell me Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? 'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated? No no no
I was feelin' pretty down 'Till my girlfriend came around We're just so alike in every way I gotta say
In fact, I just thought I might Pop the question there that night I was kissing her so tenderly But woe is me
Who would have guessed Her family crest I'd suddely spy Tattooed on her thigh And son-of-a-gun It's just like the one on me
Tell me How was I supposed to know we were both related? Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated? No no no no no no no No no no no no no no No no no no no
I had so much on my mind I thought maybe I'd unwind Try out that new roller coaster ride And the guide
Said not to stand But that's a demand That I couldn't meet I got on my feet And stood up instead And knocked off my head, you see
Tell me Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated? This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore I can't belch or yodel anymore Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
Oh no Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah) I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated What a bummer Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated No no no
Achy Breaky Song
You can torture me With Donnie & Marie You can play some Barry Manilow Or you can play some schlock Like New Kids On The Block Or any Village People song you know Or play Vanilla Ice Hey, you can play him twice And you can play the Bee Gees any day But Mr. DJ, please I'm beggin' on my knees I just can't take no more of Billy Ray
Don't play that song That Achy Breaky song The most annoying song I know And if you play that song That Achy Breaky song I might blow up my radio, ooo...
You can clear the room By playind Debbie Boon Or crank your Abba records until dawn Oh, I can even hear Slim Whitman or Zamfir Don't mind a Yoko Ono marathon Or play some Tiffany On 8-track or CD Or scrape your fingernails across the board Or tie me to a chair And kick me down the stairs Just please don't play that stupid song no more
Don't play that song That Achy Breaky song You know I hate that song a bunch And if you play that song That nauseating song It might just make me lose my lunch, ooo...
Don't play that song That Achy Breaky song I think it's driving me insane Oh, please don't play that song That irritating song I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain...
Don't play that song That Achy Breaky song The most annoying song I know And if you play that song That Achy Breaky song I might blow up my radio, ooo-woo...
Addicted To Spuds
Potato skins, potato cakes Hash browns, and instant flakes Baked or boiled or french fried There's no kind you haven't tried
You planned a trip to Idaho Just to watch potatoes grow I understand how you must feel I can't deny they've got appeal
Whoah You like them whether they are plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough You know, you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to spuds
Your greasy hands, your salty lips Looks like you found the chips Your belly aches, your teeth grind Some tator tots would blow your mind
And you don't mind if they're not cooked You need your fix, I guess you're hooked And late at night you always dream Of bacon bits and sour cream
Whoah, you like them even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah Whee, It's pretty obvoius to me you can't get enough You know you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Ooh yeah
I'm givin' up, it'sjust no use Another case of spud abuse What can I say, what can I do Potato bug has got me too, Wahoo
I used to hate them, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah Whee, I've often seen then whipped, but they just can't be beat Now I'm gonna have to face it I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Airline Amy
Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight Now lately I've been flying to all kinds of places That I never really wanted to go 'Cause I'll do anything just to spend a little time With the sutest flight attendant I know
You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747 And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Every one of our dates is at thirty thousand feet She always points out the exits to me, she's so sweet You know she gets me my headphones for free Refills my coffee cup whenevr I ask And you gotta admit my baby looks pretty hot When she's wearin' that oxygen mask
Well well, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747 And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Amy, darlin', don't you know you really drive me nuts Every time you're handing out those honey roasted peanuts Airline Amy, this is my new mission Gotta get you in an upright locked position
Oh yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747 And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy Yeah yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy You're the only woman I desire, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747 And no one else can take me higher No one else can take me higher And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Albuquerque
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut Every single mornin It wa driving me crazy
I said to my mom I said Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut? And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said IT'S GOOD FOR YOU And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque Albuquerque
Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ahhhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be? I say Who is it? No answer Who is it? There's no answer WHO IS IT? They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like Hey, you can't have that That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me And he's like Tough And I'm like Give it And he's like Make me And I'm like 'Kay So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said
It said If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
In Albuquerque Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says Yeah, what do ya want? I said You got any glazed donuts? He said No, we're outta glazed donuts I said Well, you got any jelly donuts? He said No, we're outta jelly donuts I said You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts? He said No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts I said You got any cinnamon rolls? He said No, we're outta cinnamon rolls I said You got any apple fritters? He said No, we're outta apple fritters I said You got any bear claws? He said Wait a minute, I'll go check No, we're outta bear claws I said Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have? He says All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels I said OK, I'll take that
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over (rabid gnawing sounds) Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' Like a constipated weiner dog And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I'll never forget the first thing she said to me. She said Hey, you've got weasels on your face
That's when I knew it was true love We were inseperable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club? I said Woah, hold on now, baby I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment So we broke up and I never saw her again But that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say Hey, you want me to help you with that? And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me He's like Hey man, I was just being sarcastic Well, that's just great How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over And I'm like Hey, come on, don'tcha get it? But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming (screaming sounds) You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
That's all I'm really tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandry Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours There's still a little place called
Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque
I said A (A) L (L) B (B) U (U) querque (querque)
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Alimony
Here she comes now, wants her alimony Bleedin' me dry as a bony bony Workin' three jobs just to stay in debt now Well, first she took my nest egg then she took the nest I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
(Yeah) 'Cause she took my house (alimony), my car (alimony) My shoes (alimony) and my toothbrush too (alimony) Too bad (alimony), so sad (alimony) Ah-she got (alimony), got the gift of grab (alimony) I'm in debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt)
Lawyer's callin' me on the telephony Tryin' to squeeze some blood from a stonee-stony Ooh, I took her for better or for worse, yeah Then she took me for everything, yeah everything She could get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get)
(Get) Well I'm out of cash (alimony), no dough (alimony) I'm broke (alimony), it's no joke (alimony) The check's in the mail (alimony), get off (alimony) My back (alimony), cut me some slack (alimony) I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Oh you do (Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Is it due (Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Or you'll sue (Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony)
Alimony (yeah), mony (yeah) Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
Wow
(cash register ching)
(Alimony, alimony, alimony) I said (alimony) Come on, come on, come on
Alimony, alimony, alimony Bleed me dry (alimony)
I said no (no), oh no (no) No (no), no (no), no (no), no (no), no (no)
Amish Paradise
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain But that's just perfect for an Amish like me You know, I shun fancy things like electricity At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise I've churned butter once or twice Living in an Amish paradise It's hard work and sacrifice Living in an Amish paradise We sell quilts at discount price Living in an Amish paradise
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek I really don't care, in fact I wish him well 'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat And my homies all I agree I look good in black... fool If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare We're just technologically impaired
There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar Not a single luxury Like Robinson Caruso It's as primitave as can be
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise We're just plain and simple guys Living in an Amish paradise There's no time for sin and vice Living in an Amish paradise We don't fight, we all play nice Living in an Amish paradise
Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another Think you're really rightous? Think you're pure in heart? Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife So don't be vain and don't be whiny Or else, my brother, I might just have to get medieval on your heinie
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise We're all crazy Mennonites Living in an Amish paradise There's no cops or traffic lights Living in an Amish paradise But you'd probably think it bites Living in an Amish paradise
Angry White Boy Polka
Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort Suffocation, no breathing Don't give a %$@& if I cut my arm bleeding This is my last resort
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's all right, nothing is fine I'm running and a-crying
Wake up (Wake up) Grab a brush and put a little make-up Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup (Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup) Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? Here you go create another fable
You wanted to Grab a brush and put a little makeup You wanted to Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? You wanted to
I don't think you trust In my self-righteous suicide I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die D-d-die die die die die Hey
I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free Ride into the sun
She never loved me She never loved me She never loved me Why should anyone?
(Come here, come here, come here) I'll take your photo for ya (Come here, come here, come here) Drive you around the corner
(Come here, come here, come here) You know you really oughta (Come here, come here, come here) Move out to California
Do what I want 'cause I can If I don't because I wanna Be ignored by the stiff and the bored Because I'm gonna
Hate to say I told you so, all right Do believe I told you so Now it's all out and you knew 'Cause I wanted to
Fell in love with a girl I fell in love at once and almost completely She's in love with the world But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
Can't think of anything to do Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting She's just looking for something new Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now
Last night, she said Oh baby, don't you feel so down When you turn me off When I feel left out
So I (what'd you do?) Well, I turned around (right around) Oh, baby, gonna be alright It was a great big lie (big old lie)
'Cause I left that night Yeah
Ooh ah ah ah ah Ooh ah ah ah ah
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Get up Come on get down with the sickness
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Open up your hate and let it flow into me
Get up Come on get down with the sickness You mother get up Come on get down with the sickness
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Madness is the gift that has been given to me
We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk
This time I'm 'a let it all come out This time I'm 'a stand up and shout I'm a do things my way It's my way My way or the highway
This time I'm a let it all come out This time I'm a stand up and shout I'm a do things my way It's my way
Or the highway
But I'm on the outside I'm looking in I can see through you See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly Ugly like me I can see through you See to the real you
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
We are, we are The youth of the nation We are, we are The youth of the nation
We are, we are The youth of the nation We are the youth of the nation Hey
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up Please stand up
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please Please, please stand up
Slim Shady won't you please stand up? (Stand up Shady)(Stand up) (Stand up Shady)(Stand up) (Stand up Shady) Shady, won't you please stand up? Hey
Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Near Mars
They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago They looked so sweet and harmless Tell me, how was I to know They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise They grew to forty thousand times their original size They started mutatin' right before my eyes Oh my
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars A race from a distant place They came in UFOs shaped just like cuban cigars Man oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
The president, he's is a panic The pentagon, they're in shock There's a team of research scientists They got 'em workin' 'round the clock Now the National Guard is out in my back yard And the Marines'll be comin' around I hope they get this lousy rodents out of my town 'Cause the property values are goin' way down now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars They're back and they're lookin' for a snack And they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars I hope they're not plannin' to stay Who invited them here anayway Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp And there's one the size of central park They're using telephone pole to pick their teeth They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark Oh, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute, now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars What a racquet they're makin', Jack They keep me up at night playin' they're electric guitars Listen to 'em squeal They think the whole stinkin' world is their exercise wheel Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Hey Jack, you better watch your back Here come those hamsters from a planet near mars Well, well, it's called the Attack of the radioactive hamsters From a planet near Mars A planet near Mars
Baby Likes Burping
You know my baby likes burping You know my baby's kinda nauseating
My little vulgar one is so gross 'Cause when I hold her in my arms so close she goes
And out in public it's embarrassing She'll burp at anyone or anything She's so revolting and disgusting And repulsive to me, yeah
My little lady's so obnoxious Today she walked onto a Greyhound bus goin'
And then a couple hours later My baby's in a crowded elevator
That little filthy pig is so obscene I'm really glad she doesn't like beans She's so revolting and disgusting And repulsive to me, yeah
Oh, I wonder what's her trip Oh, she'd better can it quick Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick
If baby does it anymore I think I'll just pretend like I don't know her
You know my baby likes burping You know my baby is really sickening
That's enough, that's it
Belvedere Cruising
Now, you won't find me braggin' 'Bout my big green station wagon Or tellin' 'bout the traffic laws I'm breakin' Everybody knows that I wouldn't dare Match my wits with a red Corvair And just the thought of a Pinto leaves me shakin'
Now, I don't think that I could hack Drivin' a big white Cadillac With ripped up upholstery and unnecessary frills No, I don't think that I could bear Drivin' somethin' other than a Belvedere In a Belvedere I can really get my thrills
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight Just watch me pass that Porsche on the right I can take you anywhere In my 1964 Belvedere Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
I don't think that I could cruise In one of those small VW's Or zip along the highway in a classy pickup truck There's somethin' 'bout a Comet That makes me wanna vomit And those Datsuns just ain't worth a Fudgesicle, no
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight You got nothin' to lose but your life It can take away your blues All you've gotta do is cruise In my big black Plymouth Belvedere tonight
With red upholstery Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight, yes indeed Woo, goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight Yeah, goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
Bob
I, man, am regal - a German am I Never odd or even If I had a hi-fi Madam, I'm Adam Too hot or to hoot No lemons, no melon Too bad I hid a boot Lisa Bonet ate no basil Warsaw was raw Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Rise to vote, sir Do geese see god? Do nine men interprite? Nine men, I nod Rats live on no evil star Won't lovers revolt now? Race fast, safe car Pa's a sap Ma is as selfish as I am May a moody baby doom a yam?
Ah, Satan sees Natasha No evil lived on Lonely Tylenol Not a banana baton No x in Nixon O, stone, be not so O Geronimo, no minor ego Naomi, I moan A Toyota's a Toyota A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Oh no! Don Ho! Nurse, I spy gypsies - run! Senile felines Now I see bees I won UFO tofu We panic in a pew Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog! Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
Bohemian Polka
Is this the real life Is this just fantasy Caught in a landslide No escape from reality Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy 'Cause I'm easy come, easy go Little high, little low Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me To me
Mama, just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooo Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye everybody - I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooo I don't want to die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
I see a little silhouetto of a mam Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the Fandango Thunderbolt and lightning - very, very frightening me Galileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Galileo figaro - Magnifico... Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go - let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go Will not let you go - let him go Will not let you go - let him go No, no, no, no, no no no no no!
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me For me
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye So you think you can love me and leave me to die Oh, baby - Can't do this to me, baby Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here
Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Anyway the wind blows - Hey!
Born To Be Mild
Get your program running Head out to the center Terminals are waiting For the data that you'll enter
Everybody says that you're a nerd, but They should know that you just don't care Got your Hewlett-Packard on your belt and Vaseline in your hair
Like a true mommy's child You were born, born to be mild When your batteries die You're always gonna cry Born to be mild
Pencils in your pocket Patent leather briefcase Studying your Fortran You got pimples on your face
Gotta do your homework Forget about the prom dance They think that you're a big jerk 'Cause you wear a pair of flood pants
Every day you wake up Your oscilloscope is humming Parties tend to break up When they find out that you're coming
Cable TV
I used to think my life was so empty I used to think life was passin' me by Well, I was just about ready To curl up and die
But then one day I got a visit From the cable company Well, they hooked me up and plugged me right in And now I got cable TV
And now I get to watch the stock report in Korean Midget wrestling on channel three It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em Yeah, but that's all right with me
I got cable TV (Cable TV) Cable TV (Cable TV) Oh, eighty-three channels of ecstasy I love my cable TV, yeah I love my cable TV
I got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network The news and weather from Peru I got celebrity hockey The Racketball Channel too
Bugs Bunny direct from Atlanta Mr. Wizard is on at five I got a satellite dish on the trunk of my car So I can watch MTV while I drive
I'm talkin' 'bout real quality programs The kind you just can't get for free Now I never wanna leave my apartment 'Cause there's just so much for me to see
On my cable TV (Cable TV) Cable TV(Cable TV) Well, if you need to find me You know where I'll be Watchin' my cable TV, yeah Watchin' my cable TV
'Cause I love my cable TV, yeah I love my cable TV
My friends are gettin' kinda worried They think I'm turning into some kinda freak Oh, but they're just jealous 'cause I've seen Porky's Twenty-seven times this week
On my cable TV (Cable TV) Cable TV (Cable TV) Yeah, the greatest thing that's ever happened to me I love my cable TV, yeah I love my cable TV
Well, I got to have cable TV, yeah I need my cable TV
Well, I love, I love my cable TV (TV) Got to have cable TV (TV) Well, I got to have my cable TV, yeah (TV) Can't live without my cable TV
Well, I said, got to have some cable TV (TV) I've got to have my cable TV I said cable TV, yeah (TV) Got to have cable TV
Callin' In Sick
Hit my snooze alarm for the twenty seventh time Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm Gonna hack and cough and wheeze Swear I got some strange disease What's that little twerp gonna say Hey
I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today
I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp I could spend all day in my underwear wathing Ernest Goes To Camp I could sit and count my hair I could burp my Tupperware I'm not busy anyway Hey
I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today Ain't goin' to work, no way Callin' in sick today
I can do anything I want to I am invincible now I'm on fire, baby I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world? I'm alive
Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun And trying not to squint Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from My belly button lint When I'm sick of takin' abuse I just make up some lame excuse Freedom's just seven digits away Hey
I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today Ain't gonna work, no way Callin' in sick today
Cavity Search
Listen to the Muzak Hearin' people scream Sittin' in the waiting room Readin' crappy magazines With a toothache This is it, pal Root Canal
My molars are impacted I'm gettin' gum disease I'm gonna need some fillings Got twelve cavities Can you help me Have mercy Doctor, please
My teeth are a fright Got a huge overbite Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me
You jab at my nerve endings It's driving me insane Just give me nitrous oxide Shoot me up with novocaine Help me out here 'Cause I'm so severe Pain
Please stop for a bit Let me rinse and spit Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me
You validate my parking I think that I'm okay But you make one more appointment for A week from Saturday 'Cause you came upon A problem on My x-ray Oy vey!
I'm getting absurd Well, I hope I'm insured, now Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me
Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios
Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios Did you know Froot Loops fit in your nose I may be just a simple guy But just the thought of Corn Flakes makes me high
Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, Cheerios Makes me want to take off all my clothes I love them dearly, and that's how it goes Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios
Chicken Pot Pie
When we were young, Bernie's Deli was down the block (Ooh ooh ooh ooh) He made a great liver pate (You know he did, you know he did, you know he did) But if there's one thing in this world that I like better Than a corned beef on rye
It's Chicken Pot Pie Chicken Pot Pie
Christmas Memories Of Weird Al Yankovic
Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic. You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime. I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day. Mom would be cooking up a mess of boysenberry and tunafish burritos for our big Christmas dinner, and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam. And then, the big day would finally arrive. I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa, a-and when he finally showed up, we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised to give us everything we wanted! Ah, yeah, those were the days. Well, Merry Christmas everybody, and, let's do lunch.
Couch Potato
Look If you had One shot To sit on your lazy butt And watch all the TV you ever wanted Until your brain turned to mush Would you go for it? Or just let it slip? Yo
Remote is ready Eyes wide, palms are sweaty There's Flintstones on the TV already Wilma 'n' Betty No virgin to channel surfin' And I'm HD-ready So I flip Garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell Who folks wanna disembowel He opens his mouth Always says something foul They're dyin', wow Wannabes are crying now He votes them out Time to throw in the towel
Shows based on reality Oh, the humanity! Oh, Ozzy's family Sho' loves profanity Whoa, the insanity Oh, dogs that crap and pee Home of depravity? No, they live happily Yo
Plus Da Ali G Show And Celebrity Mole Oh, and there's Anna Nicole Well, she's scaring me
Look ma, no cavities Oh, it's a station break Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something
You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo)
You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV They told me, cajoled me, Turn off those music videos (no) I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo) (You're gonna)
My butt is aching As I watch NASCAR racing That show about undertaking Larry King To 24 to Law And Order The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes's ancient reporters Next up on E! True Hollywood Story The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey
Shows for next fall, they've already been namin' CSI: Boise and Touched By An Uncle both sound pretty lame 'n' So does Everybody Tolerates Raymond And King of Queens jumped the shark the first minute I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it
I'll move right on to 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter Then I bet I watch The Bachelorette Followed by Welcome Back, Kotter And The Muppet Show where they go 'Mahna Mahna'
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo)
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV They told me, cajoled me But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow) I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo) (You're Gonna)
Never missed Melrose Place or Lost In Space I've seen each Amazing Race and Without A Trace But I only watched Will And Grace one time one day Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
Oh, and Fear Factor I watched maybe a half hour After that, felt like I needed a long shower Network execs with naked ambitions Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians
Like to tie up those programming planners Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like Scanners Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on Survivor Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider
And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob, plus there's MacGyver And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a Special all Pig-Latin episode of Drew Carey
Wanna turn on E.T. 'cause I'm a gossip freak And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week A 30 second spot Then we come back to Are You Hot? I was planning on recording The Sopranos I forgot
I love shows with or without a plot I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot Because I only have got One brain to rot I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV They told me, cajoled me, Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show (no) I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo) (You're gonna)
You can watch anything you want to, man
Crampton Comes Alive
Well, woke up this morning With a Big Mac in my hand What fries, whose fries Where's my Hot Apple Pies Must be a joke I can't believe there's no Coke Thank you, thank you, thank you
Dare To Be Stupid
Put down your chainsaw and listen to me It's time for us to join in the fight It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys It's time to let the bedbugs bite
You better put all your eggs in one basket You better count your chickens before they hatch You better sell some wine before it's/its time You better find yourself an itch to scratch
You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wimpole's not around Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan
Talk with your mouth full Bite the hand that feeds you Bite on more than you chew What can you do Dare to be stupid
Take some wooden nickles Look for Mr. Goodbar Get your mojo working now I'll show you how You can dare to be stupid
You can turn the other cheek You can just give up the ship You can eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip
Dare to be stupid Come on and dare to be stupid It's so easy to do Dare to be stupid We're all waiting for you Let's go
It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill So can I have a volunteer There's no more time for crying over spilled milk Now it's time for crying in your beer
Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevyrolet And party 'till you're broke and they drive you away It's OK, you can dare to be stupid
It's like spitting on a fish It's like barking up a tree It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free
Dare to be stupid (yes) Why don't you dare to be stupid It's so easy to do Dare to be stupid We're all waiting for you Dare to be stupid
Burn your candle at both ends Look a gift horse in the mouth Mashed potatoes can be your friends
You can be a coffee achiever You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver The future's up to you So what you gonna do
Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid What did I say Dare to be stupid Tell me, what did I say Dare to be stupid It's alright Dare to be stupid We can be stupid all night Dare to be stupid Come on, join the crowd Dare to be stupid Shout it out loud Dare to be stupid I can't hear you Dare to be stupid OK, I can hear you now Dare to be stupid Let's go, Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid
Dead Car Battery Blues
One, two, a-one, two, three, four
Well I, can't go to the park I can't go to work I can't do nothin' I gotta stay in my house like a jerk
How come I always lose My car has blown a fuse Oh yeah I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes And the dead car battery blues
You know, can't visit my girlfriend I can't go to school I can't go anywhere Gotta stay in my room like a fool
'Cause I got grease in my hair My Belvedere's in disrepair Oh yeah I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes And the dead car battery blues
So I, went to see my mechanic He said, Okay, now what is wrong I told him my car wouldn't start He said, This shouldn't take very long
So he replaced all my plugs and my points And he looked at my carburetor He took out my engine and turned it around And then seventeen hours later
He looked at my headlights and said Son, how long have these things been on I told him, Oh, about three or four weeks He said, Buddy, I know what's wrong But I hate to be the one to give you the news You got the dead car battery blues
So now I, can't go to my office Can't work on my job I might as well lock myself up in my room And live my life like a slob
How come I always lose My Belvedere has blown a fuse Oh yeah I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes And the dead car battery blues
Dr. Demento Radio Promo
Hi This is Weird Al Yankovic and you're listening to the Dr. Demento show
Dr. Demento's 15th Anniversary Special
In the year of 1970 Underneath the old smogberry tree First was heard a man that we all know The one and only Dr. Demento
Nixon, Ford, and Carter, Reagan too Remember all they did and didn't do Through it all, one consistency Spending once a week with Dr. D
So wind your radios way up tight Raise your glasses high tonight Like wine, his spirit has fermented So here's to him, the one who stays demented
Changes come, seasons pass Like Alice through the looking glass He shares a world of madness that we cheer For fifteen roly poly years.
So wind your radios way up tight Raise your glasses high tonight Like wine, his spirit has fermented So here's to him, the one who stays demented
Don't forget to stay demented
Everybody sing He has a very friendly, fuzzy face And nobody could ever take his place His fans around the globe will never dwindle 'Cause he fits so many records on his spindle
Stacks of laughing wax from floor to ceiling Well, it gives him such a warm internal feeling Whether you're Italian or Egyptian He's bound to fill your musical prescription
Wind your radios way up tight Raise your glasses high tonight Like wine, his spirit has fermented So here's to him, the one who stays demented
Wind your radios way up tight Raise your glasses high tonight Like wine, his spirit has fermented So here's to him, the one who stays demented
In the year of 1970 Underneath the old smogberry trees First was heard a man that we all know The one and only Dr. Demento
Yeah
Eat It
How come you're always such a fussy young man Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raison Bran Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan So eat it, just eat it
Don't want to argue, I don't want to debate Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate You won't get no dessert 'till you clean off your plate So eat it
Don't you tell me you're full Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it Get yourself an egg and beat it Have some more chicken, have some more pie It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it, ooh
Your table manners are some cryin' shame You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game Now, if you starve to death, you'll just have yourself to blame So eat it, just eat it
You better listen, better do what you're told You haven't even touched your tuna casserole You better chow down or it's gonna get cold So eat it
I don't care if you're full Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it Open up your mouth and feed it Have some more yogurt, have some more spam It doesn't matter it it's fresh or tanned Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it Don't you make me repeate it Have a banana, have a whole bunch It doesn't matter what you had for lunch Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it If it's gettin' cold, reheat it Have a big dinner, have a light snack If you don't like it, you can't send it back Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it Get yourself an egg and beat it (oh lord) Have some more chicken, have some more pie It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it Don't you make me repeat it (oh no) Have a banana, have a whole bunch It doesn't matter what you had for lunch Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Everything You Know Is Wrong
I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane With a rabid wolverine in my underwear When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
I guessed, Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie? Is it Bob or Joe or Walter? Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve? I probably would have kept on guessing But about that time we crashed into the truck
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong
I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr
They sucked out my internal organs And they took some polaroids And said I was a darn good sport And as a way of saying thank you They offered to transport me back to Any point in history that I would care to go
And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night So I could pay my phone bill on time Just then the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling
Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong
I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin When I got a nasty papercut And, well, to make a long story short It got infected and I died
So now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter By the pearly gates And it's obvious he doesn't like The Nehru jacket that I'm wearing He tells me that they've got a dress code
Well, he lets me into heaven anyway But I get the room next to the noisy ice machine For all eternity And every day he runs by screaming
Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you used to think was so important Doesn't really matter anymore Because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong Everything you know is wrong
Fast Food
How about making a run for the border How about me deserving a break today How about getting some fries with my order How about finally letting me have it my way
Thank you Burger King Thank you Dairy Queen Thank you, thank you KFC
Thank you Pizza Hut Thank you Taco Bell Thank you so much Wendy's
Fat
Your butt is wide, well mine is too Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you The word is out, better treat me right 'Cause I'm the king of cellulite Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right
My zippers bust, my buckles break I'm too much man for you to take The pavement cracks when I fall down I've got more chins than Chinatown
Well, I've never used a phone booth And I've never seen my toes When I'm goin' to the movies I take up seven rows
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know (Fat, fat, really really fat) Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout Just now tell me once again who's fat
When I walk out to get my mail It measures on the Richter scale Down at the beach I'm a lucky man I'm the only one who gets a tan If I have one more pie a la mode I'm gonna need my own zip code
When you're only having seconds I'm having twenty-thirds When I go to get my shoes shined I gotta take their word
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know (Fat, fat, really really fat) And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds Lemme tell you once again who's fat
If you see me comin' your way Better give me plenty space If I tell you that I'm hungry Then won't you feed my face
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know (Fat, fat, really really fat) Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house I really sit around the house
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know, you know, you know, come on (Fat, fat, really really fat) And you know all by myself I'm a crowd Lemme tell you once again
You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, you know, hoo (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know (Fat, fat, really really fat) And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud Just tell me once again who's fat
Fatter
Fatter, fatter Shake 'n Bake, fatter Shake 'n Bake, fatter Fatter
Corndogs, pizza, Coca Cola Yogurt, butterscotch, granola Look at me, I'm fatter I'm fatter, I'm fatter
Friends all gather 'round me My enemies surround me Yelling Fatso, fatso, fatso I've eaten at every single greasy spoon on Seventh Avenue That's right, I'm fatter
Don't you know my weight is going up, up, up, up, up I tell you, this turkey sure is tough Tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, tough
They got pizza on the west side French fries up town Corn dogs deep fried in batter I'm fatter
Go ahead, bite the big apple Don't mind the calories Pile it on my platter I'm fatter
Pile it up, pile it high up
Flatbush Avenue
Oy Oy
Down on the street they got bagels And there's a sale on cream cheese and lox Nosh on some blintzes and bratwurst Not in the mood for Jack-In-The-Box
Oy vey
We gonna schlepp on through to Flatbush Avenue Kielbasa and chopped liver We gonna schlepp on through to Flatbush Avenue Or maybe they'll deliver
Frank's 2000 TV
Risin' above the city, blocking out the noonday sun It dwarfs the mighty redwoods and it towers over everyone I still remember when that delivery truck came down our block What a lucky guy, I hear he got the last one in stock And the neighbors are just green They say, That's the biggest screen we've ever seen!
It's Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV) Everbody come and see(Frank's 2000 TV) Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV)
That's Frank's remote control, you can look, but don't touch it, please 'Cause Frank's the one in charge and he decides what everybody sees The picture's crystal clear and everything is magnified Robert DeNiro's mole has got to be ten feet wide Everybody in the town Can hear those 90,000 watts of Dolby sound And I'm mighty proud to say Now I can watch The Simpsons from thirty blocks away
On Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV) Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 TV) Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV) Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 TV)
I'm gonna get one of my own real soon It's like having a drive-in movie in your own living room Whoa, hey now... hey now na na na now Hey now... hey now na na now
Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV) Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 TV) Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV) Got a two year warranty on parts and labor Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV) Frank's 2000 TV
Free Delivery
Late at night, you're hungry You're craving some pizza Let me be the one that you call
Olive or anchovy Perhaps pepperoni Anything you want, we've got it all
Near, far, I'll jump in my car You just call in your order and I'm gone You know, we hand toss our dough Just tell me what you want and the toppings will go on and on
Deep dish, whatever you wish Even get two for one with a coupon You must try our special crust But just don't eat too fast or your heartburn will go on and on
Gandhi II
[Announcer:] Next week on U62... [Announcer:] He's back [Announcer:] And this time [Announcer:] He's mad
[Announcer:] Gandhi II
[Announcer:] No more mister passive resistance [Announcer:] He's out to kick some butt [Announcer:] This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with
[Gandhi :] Don't move, slimeball
[Announcer:] He's a one man recking crew [Announcer:] But he also knows how to party
[Gandhi :] Gimme a steak, medium rare
[Gangster :] Hey, Baldy!
[Announcer:] There is only one law [Announcer:] His law
[Announcer:] Gandhi II
Gee, I'm A Nerd
Gee, I'm a nerd Seen each Star Trek eighty times Memorized each word
Home alone On Friday nights But I got eight gigabytes Left on my hard drive
I'm hooked as I can get Into the Internet Maybe you would like to see my web page
I love my new PC It means the world to me So many things to download
Gee, I'm a nerd All the jocks and muscle heads Flip me the bird Cause I'm a nerd
Gee, I'm a nerd
Generic Blues
I woke up this morning Then I went back to bed Said I woke up this morning Then I went right back to bed Got a funny kind of feelin' like I got broken glass in my underwear And a herd of wild pigs is trying to chew off my head You know what I'm sayin'
Well I ain't got not money I'm just walkin' down the road Said I ain't got no money, honey So I'm just walking down this lonely old road Well, I wish I could get me some money But I forgot my automated teller code
I was born in a paper sack in the bottom of a sewer I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tiles My brothers and sisters all hated me 'cause I was an only child
I got the blues so bad, woo Kinda wish I was dead Maybe I'll blow my brains out mama Or maybe I'll, yeah maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead
I'm just a no good, scum sucking, nose picking, boot licking, sniveling, groveling, worthless hunk of slime
Nothing but a low-down beer bellied, bone headed, pigeon toed, turkey necked, weasle faced, worthless hunk of slime
Guess I pretty low self image Maybe it's a chemical imbalance or something -- I I should probably go and see a doctor about it when I've got the time Make it talk Aw, make it talk, son, make it talk OK, now make it shut up
Plagues and famine and pestilence always seem to get me down I always feel so miserable whenever I'm around I wish somebody would come along, stick a pitchfork through my brain I'd flush myself right down the toilet, but I'd just clog up the drain
I got the blues so bad Kinda wish I was dead Maybe I'll blow my brains out mama Or maybe I'll go bowling Or I just might go bowling Maybe I'll just rent some shoes and go bowling Maybe I'll join a league, enter a tournament, put on a stupid looking shirt and go bowling instead Yeah
Genius In France
I'm not the brightest crayon in the box Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks I barely even know how to put on my own pants But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
Hoom chaka laka Hoom chaka laka Hoom chaka
I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese I got a negative number on my SATs I'm not good looking and I don't know how to dance But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be A genius in France, a genius in France, a genius in France
People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week
But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic
They love my body odor and my bad toupee They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret And when I'm sipping on a Perrier In some cafe town in St. Tropez
It's hard to keep the fans at bay They say, Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait
Hemenene humenene himenene homenene Poodle... poodle...
Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool Got too much chlorine in my gene pool
A few peas short of a casserole A few buttons missing on my remote control A few fries short of a happy meal I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel Instructions on the heel
But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response (He's a genius in France! Genius in France!)
That's right (He's a genius in France, genius in France) You know it (He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France)
I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree They say, Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?
I say, Oui, oui That's right, I say, Oui, oui Oui, oui He says, Oui, oui
I'm dumber than a box of hair But those Frenchies don't seem to care Don't know why, mon frere But they love me there
I'm a genius in France Yeah, I'm a genius in France
Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes Gonna make those Frenchies scream You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!
Like a fine Renoir (waa), I've got that je me c'est quoi (quoi!) Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la), I've got that je me c'est ... Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy Bow
I'm a taco short of a combo plate But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great Oh, the men all faint and the women scream They like me more than heavy cream
When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie) They think I'm awful witty, a riot and a half When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh(haw haw haw haw haw) And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)
People in France have lots of attitude They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food But when they see me, they just come unglued They think that I am one happening dude
Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle
Entre nous, it's very true The room temperature's higher than my IQ But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu How did this happen; I don't have a clue
Well, I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm I don't have any skills or grace or charm And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back I'm never never never never goin' back home again I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket Gonna tell the folks back here where they can stick it
'Cause I'm never goin' back I'm never goin' back I'm never goin' back
The girls back home never gave me a chance But I sho' 'nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance But Great Googily Moogily, I'm a genius in France
Every Frenchie that I meet Just can't wait to kiss my feet Get in line, pucker up! Tout Suite!
Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy
I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
I'm the biggest dork there is alive My mom picked out my clothes for me 'till I was 35 And I forgot to mention I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention
But the Frenchies think That my poop don't stink I'm a genius in France
Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon? Merci beaucoup
George Of The Jungle
George, George, George of the jungle Strong as he can be Ahhh Watch out for that tree
George, George, George of the jungle Lives a life that's free Ahhh Watch out for that tree
When he gets in scrapes When he makes his escapes With the help of his friend An ape named Ape
Then away he'll schlep On his elephant Shep While Fella and Ursula Stay in step with
George, George, George of the jungle Friend to you and me Ahhh Watch out for that tree Watch out for that (Ahhh) (Oooh) tree George, George, George of the Jungle Friend to you and me
Germs
Sometimes I really want to be alone But that's one state I'm never in Because I know that I've got millions upon millions Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin
(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding (Germs) But they just come right back (Germs) I can't even see 'em, but I know they're up to something Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been
They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get 'em offa me I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria What do they want from me What'll they do to me There's no escape for me I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
Now if I ever dare to go to sleep That's when they start their sneak attack In the morning I wake up in utter horror To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque
(Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face (Germs) And there's more comin' every day (Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away
They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get 'em offa me I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria What do they want from me What'll they do to me There's no escape for me I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
They're creepin' around my shorts They're under the bathroom sink They're ridin' inside my car They're swimmin' in my drink They're hidin' between my toes They're lurkin' in every kiss I got 'em way up my nose In every orafice I'm gonna show them who's boss I'm gonna get even yet Just gimme some Lysol spray Just hand me a moist towelette Don't tell me I'm paranoid I know that they're after me Look under the microscope See??
They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get 'em offa me I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria What do they want from me What'll they do to me There's no escape for me I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
They're all over me I can feel 'em all over me Over every part of me Microscopic bacteria I know they're watching me They're always watching me They're coming after me Microscopic bacteria Won't somebody help me Please somebody help me You've got to believe me They're out to get me They wanna control me They wanna destroy me They're tryin' to kill me It kind of upsets me
Girls Just Want To Have Lunch
Some girls like to buy new shoes And others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos There's only one thing that they all like a bunch Oh, girls, they want to have lunch Oh, girls just want to have lunch
I know how to keep a woman satisfied When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide They're always in the mood for something to munch Oh, girls, they want to have lunch Oh, girls just want to have
That's all they really want Some lunch Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch 'Cause girls, they want to have lunch Oh, girls just want to have lunch
Girls, they want Want to have lunch Girls wanna have
She eats like she got a hole in her neck And I'm the one that always gets stuck with the check Can't figure out how come they don't weigh a ton Oh, girls, they want to have lunch Oh, girls just want to have
That's all they really want Is some lunch Don't know for certain but I've got a hunch Those girls, they want to have lunch Oh, girls just want to have lunch
Girls, they want Want to have lunch Girls wanna have
They just want to They just want to Girls
They just want to They just want to Girls just want to have lunch
Girls Girls just want to have lunch
They just want to They just want to They just want to They just want to They just want to They just want to
Gotta Boogie
Gotta boogie Gotta boogie Gotta boogie Gotta boogie Gotta boogie (gotta boogie) Gotta boogie (gotta boogie) Gotta boogie (gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off
Well, I went out to a party just the other night I was jammin' to the music, I was feelin' alright I was burning up the floor like a disco maniac When my woman said, Baby, why's your hand behind you back?
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie) I said boogie (gotta boogie) I gotta boogie (gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off
I can't pick it off (uh uh) I can't flick it off (uh uh) I sure ain't gonna lick it off (oh no) So I guess I'm gonna have to learn to live with it
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie) I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie) I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off
(boogie) Gotta boogie (boogie)
Hey, you wanna boogie? (No man, I don't wanna boogie) Wanna boogie? (Get that boogie out of my face) Do any of you wanna boogie? (No!)
Gotta boogie on my finger Gotta boogie on my finger Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off
Gravy On You
Well, I think you're obnoxious And I think that you stink I think you're a moron A slob, and a fink You're one of the biggest turkeys I know And that is the reason I'm going to
Throw gravy on you And throw gravy on you And throw gravy, gravy on you-ou-ou-ou-ou
Green Eggs And Ham
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham I do not like them Sam, I am
I do not like them here or there I do not like them anywhere I do not like them in a boat I would not, could not, with a goat
I will not eat them in the rain I do not like them on a train I do not like them in a box I will not eat them with a fox
I do not like them in a house I would not, could not, with a mouse I do not like Green Eggs and Ham I do not like them Sam, I am
Green Eggs and Ham Green Eggs and Ham Don't like Green Eggs and Ham
Gump
Gump sat alone on a bench in the park My name is Forrest, he'd casually remark Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates
He's Gump, He's Gump What's in his head? He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump Is he in-bred?
Gump was a big celebrity He told JFK that he really had to pee He never feels too dumb because His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does
He's Gump, He's Gump He's kinda square He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump What's with that hair?
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest Run... run... run like the wind now Run... run... run, run, now Forrest Run... stop!
His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt
He's Gump, He's Gump He's not too bright He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump But he's alright
Is this Gump out of his head? I think so Is this Gump really brain dead? I think so Did this Gump make lots of bread? I think so And that's all I have to say about that
Happy Birthday
Happy birthday Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Happy birthday to you
Well, it's time to celebrate your birthday, it happens every year We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer You should be good and happy that there's something you can eat A million npeople every day are starving in the street
Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four There's garbage in the water There's poison in the sky I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die
Happy birthday Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Happy birthday to you
Well, what's the matter little friend, you think this party is the pits Enjoy it while you can, we'll soon be blown to bits The monkeys in the pentagon are gonna cook our goose Their finger's on the button, all they need it an excuse
It doesn't take a military genius to see We'll all be crispy critters after World War III There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide When they drop the big one, we all get fried
(Come on boys and girls, sing along, ok?)
Happy birthday Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Happy birthday to you wow! (background screaming, sound effect)
Well there's a punk in the alley and he's looking for a fight There's an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed Seems that everywhere you look today there's misery and greed
I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take Just blow out the candles and have a piece of cake
Happy birthday Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Happy birthday to you wow!
Happy birthday Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Happy birthday to you
(Happy Birthday!)
And a pinch to grow an inch!
Hardware Store
Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until a friend told me the news
He said, Hey, you know that vacant lot Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it And on that spot they're gonna build a shop Where we can go buy bolts and screws
Since then I've been walking on air (air) I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair 'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care I've been waiting since last June
For this day to finally arrive I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive 'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside Well, I hope they open soon
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open the door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out I pressed my nose right up against the glass You know, I had to be first in line
Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house See those hacksaws? Very, very soon One of them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the aisles Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles All arranged alphabetically
And they're doing a promotional stunt There's a great big purple sign out front That says every 27th customer Will get a ball peen hammer free
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open the door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
Would you look at all that stuff ... They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables Hooks and tacks, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open the door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
Harvey The Wonder Hamster
Oh, Harvey, Harvey Harvey the Wonder Hamster He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal He just runs around on his hamster wheel Harvey, Harvey Harvey the Wonder Hamster Hey, Harvey!
Headline News
Once, there was this kid who Took a trip to Singapore and brought along his spray paint And when he finally came back He had cane marks all over his bottom He said that it was from when The warden whacked it so hard
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
[whip sound] Ahh
Once there was this girl who Swore that one day she would be a figure skating champion And when she finally made it She saw some other girl who was better [ding sound] And so she hired some guy to Club her in the kneecap
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm [thwack sound] Ahh Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
They got paid for their sound bites And sold their TV movie rights
And then, there was this guy who Made his wife so mad one night that she cut off his weiner And when he finally came to He found that Mr. Happy was missing He couldn't quite explain it It'd always just been there
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is) Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is) Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
(There were, there is) (There were, there is)
Hit Me With A Rock
When I was a little boy (When I was just a boy) And my mother would call my name (When I was just a boy) She'd say I had to be in the house by seven (When I was just a boy)
But I'd stay out late at night (When I was just a boy) And when I'd finally get back in Oh, I know she'd hit me, she'd hit me She'd sit me on her knees and whip me
Oh, she'd hit me with a rock She'd whip me with a rock, oh baby She'd hit me (hit me with a rock) She'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me (Hit me with a rock)
And when I was grown to be a man (Grown to be a man) The minute the boss would call my name (Grown to be a man) And say I had to be in the office by seven (Grown to be a man)
I'm a constipated man (Grown to be a man) And when I'd finally get back in Oh, my boss'd hit me, he'd hit me He'd tie me to a chair and whip me
Oh he'd hit me with a rock He'd whip me with a rock, oh baby He'd hit me (hit me with a rock) He'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me (Hit me with a rock)
When I was grown to be President (Was the President) The minute the congress'd call my name (Was the President) And said some papers had to be signed by Thursday (Had to be signed by Thursday)
I'd fly away to Pakistan (Was the President) And the second that I'd get back home Oh, I know they'd hit me, they'd hit me With leather and chains they'd whip me
Oh, they'd hit me with a rock They'd whip me with a rock, oh baby They'd hit me. (Hit me with a rock) They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me (Hit me with a rock) Hit me, hit me, hit me (Hit me with a rock) They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me (Hit me with a rock) Yah yah yah yah yah yah (Hit me with a rock) (Hit with a rock) Ow, whaddaya doin' to me, get away from me (Hit with a rock, oh baby) (Hit with a rock) (He's gettin' hit with a rock) (He's gettin' hit with a rock, oh baby) (Hit with a rock)
Wait a minute, hold it I think he's dead Let's leave Let's get out of here, man
Holiday Greetings 1987
Hi, this is Weird Al Yankovic, and I'd just like to take this opportunity to say: Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic, hoping that your new year isn't a torture-filled living hell, and that you finally decide to do something worthwhile with your miserable, wretched lives. Thank you
Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic, and I'd like to wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year. And to all my Japanese friends, feliz navidad
Hi, this is Weird Al Yankovic, wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas. And now, here's a cheery little number I wrote about death, destruction, and the end of the world, called Christmas At Ground Zero
Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic. You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime. I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day. Mom would be cooking up a mess of boisenberry and tunafish burritos for our big Christmas dinner, and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam And then, the big day would finally arrive. I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa, a-and when he finally showed up, we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised to give us everything we wanted Ah, yeah, those were the days. Well, Merry Christmas everybody, and, let's do lunch
Holiday Greetings 1988
Hi, this is Weird Al Yankovic. Remember, if you have one or two of those traditional blueberry daiquiris this holiday season, please, let somebody else drive
Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic, urging you to remember the true meaning of the Christmas season, and also to buy as many copies of my new album as you possibly can! Ah-HAHAHAHA! AH-HA! Heh
This is Weird Al Yankovic! Go ahead, go ahead! Have a Merry Christmas, see if I care
I Can't Watch This
I can't watch this. I can't watch this I can't watch this. I can't watch this
My my my my TV makes me so bored Makes me say, oh my lord What is this garbage here? Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears It sucks, and that's no lie It's about as much fun as watching paint dry Lowers my IQ one notch And that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch
I told you homeboy... I can't watch this Yeah, nothin' but trash and you know... I can't watch this Poke out my eyes, man... I can't watch this Yo, gimme that remote control... I can't watch this
Talkin' 'bout sick shows Tere's America's Funniest Home Videos I can't believe my eyes When I see the kind of stuff that wins first prize Somebody's poor old mom Falls down off the roof, lands right on the lawn Face first on a rake I hear they've got it on the seventeenth take That's funny as a kick in the crotch And that kind of show, uh, I can't watch
Yo, I told you... I can't watch this Change the channel now, man... I can't watch this Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucker... I can't watch this
Cosby Show and Rosanne Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can Judge Wopner, oh my You gotta be Rainman to like this guy Thirtysomething is alright If you like hearing yuppies whining all night Can't stand Twin Peaks Wish they'd lynch those donun-eatin' freaks Thos Siskel & Ebert bums Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs
That's word because you know... I can't watch this I can't watch this Break it down!
Here's-how-to-order-money-back-guarantee-removes-tough-stains-fast -it-tastes-more-like-fresh-peanuts-they-keep-going-and-going-don't-hate-me -because-I'm-beautiful-could-be-dandruff-our-prices-are-insaaaane!!!
Stop! Prime Time! I'm pretty sure I'll be sick If I have to watch another stupid pet trick Or that guy with the real flat hair That goes woof woof woof and waves his fist in the air Or those weird talk shows About Transsexual Nazi Eskimos They're rude, crude and vile Just for a minute let's flip down the dial
Flip, flip, flip... yeccch, I can't watch this Look man... I can't watch this I can't take this torture no more, I can't... I can't watch this Pay the bills, station break Break it down!
Operators-are-standing-by-cubic-zirconium-necklace-you're-soaking-in-it -and-our-fabulous-swimsuit-issue-when-you've-got-a-headache-this-big -this-is-your-brain-on-drugs-I've-fallen-and-I-can't-get-up!!
Stop! Cable Time! HBO and Playboy, Showtime and MTV I might like 'em more after my lobotomy Now why did I ever pay for this junk? I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless T & A It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away
I can't watch this. I can't watch this I can't watch this. Yeah... I can't watch this I told you... can't watch this Too hip, can't watch this Get me outta here... can't watch this
I Love Rocky Road
I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school Yah, but chocolate's gettin' old Vanilla just leaves me cold
There's just one flavor good enough for me, yah me Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon I know what I need
Baby, I love rocky road So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby I love rocky road So have another triple scoop with me, ow
They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same All the soda jerkers know my name When their supple is gone Then I'll be movin' on
But I'll be back on Monday afternoon, you'll see Another truck load's comin' in for me, all for me I'm singin'
I love rocky road So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby I love rocky road So have another triple scoop with me, ow
(oh, make it talk)
When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone And if I get fat and loose my teeth that's fine with me Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key Sing it
I love rocky road So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby I love rocky road So have another triple scoop with me
I love rocky road So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby I love rocky road So have another triple scoop with
I love rocky road So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby I love rocky road So have another triple scoop with
I love rocky road So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby I love rocky road So have another triple scoop with me
I Remember Larry
Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door Well, he always was the neighborhood clown Like the time he took my pants off and he took those color pictures And posted copies all over town Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight 'till dawn What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around
Boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try
Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair 'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap And filled my toothpaste tube with glue All those wedgies he gave, all those shoestrings he tied All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside Oh Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you
Boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try
You know I couldn't help but laugh Even though he treated me like slime Remember when he cut my car in half? Well, he really got me good that time!
Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest And stuffed him in a big plastic bag If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag
Oh boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try Oh boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try No matter how I try
Oh, I remember Larry Oh, I remember Larry Oh, I remember Larry Oh, I remember Larry Oh, I remember Larry Oh, I remember Larry Oh, I remember Larry
I Think I'm A Clone Now
Isn't it strange Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror What would people say If only they knew that I was
Part of some geneticist's plan (plan-plan-plan) Born to be a carbon copy man (man-man-man) There in a petri dish late one night They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say
I think I'm a clone now There's always two of me just a-hangin' around I think I'm a clone now 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
Look at the way We go out walking close together I guess you could say I'm really beside myself
I still remember how it began (gan-gan-gan) They produced a carbon copy man (man-man-man) Born in a science lab late one night Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now) There's always two of me just a-hangin' around I think I'm a clone now (a clone now) 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now) And I can stay at home while I'm out of town I think I'm a clone now (a clone now) 'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down
Signing autographs for my fans Come and meet the carbon copy man Livin' in stereo, it's all right Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say
I think I'm a clone now Another one of me's always hangin' around I think I'm a clone now 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now) I've been on Oprah Winfrey - I'm world renowned I think I'm a clone now (a clone now) And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now) That's my genetic twin always hangin' around I think I'm a clone now (a clone now) 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
I Want A New Duck
Woh oh
I want a new duck One that won't try to bite One that won't chew a hole in my socks One that won't quack all night
I want a new duck One with big webbed feet One that knows how to wash my car And keep his room real neat
One that won't raid the ice box One that'll stay in shape One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape Or I'll tie him up with duck tape
I want a new duck A mallard I think One that won't make a mess of my house Or build a nest in the bathroom sink
I want a new duck One that won't steal my beer One that won't stick his bill in my mail One that knows the duck stops here
One that won't drive me crazy waddling all around One who'll teach me how to swim and help me not to drown And show me how to get down How to get down baby
Get it? ***** ***** *** **** **** *** ***
I want a new duck Not a swan or a goose Just a drake I can dress real cute Think I'm gonna name him Bruce
I want a new duck Not a quail or an owl One that won't molt to much One that won't smell too fowl
One that won't beg for breadcrumbs Hangin' around all day He'd better mind his manners Better do just what I say Or he's gonna be duck patte, duck patte, yah, yah *
***** ***** (*** ** **) **** *******
I Was Only Kidding
When I said that I'd be faithful When I promised I'd be true When I swore that I could never Be with anyone but you When I told you that I loved you With those tender words I spoke I was only kidding Now, can't you take a joke?
When I said that I need you, baby When I told you that I really care When I said that I can't live without you When I said I'd follow you anywhere When I said you could always trust me When I said I'd never leave you flat Well, guess what? I was only kidding, baby I can't belieeeeve you fell for that! You're so gullible...
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) You thought that was for real? I was only kidding Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains (I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) Baby, baby, I was... (I was) only kidding Well, I guess I got you pretty good, now listen...
When I said that I love you, baby From the very bottom of my heart When I said that I miss you so badly Every second we're apart When I swore that you're just getting more and more Beautiful every day Well, I was only kidding, honey What's the matter with you anyway? Let me tell you something
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) You understand, don't ya? I was only kidding Well, I guess it probably hurts you alot, but you gotta know (I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) Come on now, get a clue I was only kidding I really love you... NOT!
When I said you oughta marry When I said that we should settle down Well, I was pullin' your leg there, honey I was just foolin' around You see, I -- I never meant to upset you, darlin' I never meant to hurt anyone I was only kidding, baby Why don't you just put down that gun? Let's talk this over
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) Whatch where you're pointing that thing (I was only kidding) Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke... you gotta realize (I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) Aww, yeah I was only kidding Now, honey, can't you take a joke? (I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) I was only kidding (I was only kidding) I didn't lie to you I was only kidding... Yes indeed (I was only kidding) Baby, baby, you know (I was only kidding) Hey!
I'll Repair For You ( A Theme For Home Improvement )
So you got dry rot and your water pressure's weak Your trash compactor's broke, the roof has sprung a leak You just found out your toilet's overflowed And your smoke detector's smoking and your heater's gonna explode But
I'll repair for you (when the roof starts to fall) I'll repair for you (all the cracks in your wall) I'll repair for you (every nail, bolt and screw)
Your washer's busted and your faucet drips all night You got some termites with a healthy appetite Well have no fear, I'll patch up every hole And I'm licensed and I'm bonded, even se habla espanol So
I'll repair for you (when your doorknob is loose) I'll repair for you (when your plunger's no use) I'll repair for you (with a caulk and hot glue)
I am prepared to tackle all kinds of paste and spackle You got a leaky shower, I'll be there in an hour With stucco, bricks and plaster, I am a Jedi master We'll help you through your crisis Check out our low, low prices too, yeah
Your floors are sagging and your plumbing's shot But if you don't mind my hairy butt crack every time that I squat
I'll repair for you, anything that you need I'll repair for you, and my word's guaranteed I'll repair for you, I'll rewire it too I'll repair for you I'll repair for you I'll repair for you, every nail, bolt and screw
I'm So Sick Of You
You tell a joke and forget the punchline Why you always wastin' my time? Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me You hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty I don't know too many females Who make a habit of biting their toenails Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl I'm sure we'd be happy together If onle one thing weren't true Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you
You drink the milk right from the carton What are you, in kindergarten? You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air Then you use my razor to shave your back hair You don't have an ounce of class You're just one big pain in the neck How much more can I take now, give me a break now You even snore when you're wide awake now You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple Well, maybe you should get a clue 'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Baby, you're so nauseatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you
And when you softly call my name It's like listenin' to that squeaky chalk sound And when you look at me that special way It's hard for me to keep my lunch down And when you askin' me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin' How I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape So I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions Over and over again
Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh Gives me a throbbing migraine (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) Until you cam along I nbever dated anyone This low on the food chain (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) You've got inhuman body odor You've got the hair of a boxing promoter Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O You woke up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow I hate the way you crack your knuckles I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too But mostly I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Really now, you're aggrivatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Not to mention irritatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you You make me sick
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
If I Could Make Love To A Bottle
If I could make love to a bottle The first thing that I'd like to do I'd search the world over to find one that had the exact same circumference as you
Isle Thing
Met this fine young thing At the local Circle K We made a date for a half past eight And I said, What the hey?
So I journeyed to her crib And I let myself inside That chick was slouched down on the couch I think her brain was fried
Couldn't figure it out She wouldn't even look at me Then I saw her eyes, she was hypnotised Cold glued to her TV
Hey, what's your problem baby doll Let's have a little fling She said, Hey you fool, now just be cool I'm watchin' that Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
Watchin' all night Musta, been a marathon I was bummin', those shows kept comin' Here's what was goin' on
These Castaways were stranded On this island out at sea One of them called Gilligan So let's name him after m
He'd mess up every rescue Man, that first mate was illin' If I was one of those Castaways I think I'd probably kill 'im
Just about that time Telephone began to ring She said, Just let it, my machine'll get We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing She loves that Gilligan's Isle thing Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing Please, baby, baby, please
I like the professor He always saves their butts He could build a nuclear reactor From a clouple' of coconuts
She said, That guy's a genius I shook my head and laughed I said, If he's so fly, they tell me why He couldn't build a lousy raft
And while we're on the subject I'll tell you one thing for sure Those homeboys brought an awful lot For just a three hour tour
Then her mom came in the room It was kind of embarrasing She said, Hey you two, I was once like you And I loved that Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle thing Please, baby, baby, please
Skipper's in a hammock He's looking kinda fat He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit Old Gilligan with his hat
Mrs. Hal had it goin' on But Mr. Hal was meaner Ginger and Mary Anne could've used Some funky cold medina (?)
I was really diggin' this show I didn't know what to do It kinda looked like I was hooked Now I'm an addict too
I know each episode by heart Now I'm the rerun king And on every date we both stay up late And we watch the Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing Hasta la vista, little buddy Gilligan's Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
It's All About The Pentiums
It's all about the Pentiums, baby Uhh, uh-huh, yeah Uhh, uh-huh, yeah It's all about the Pentiums, baby It's all about the Pentiums, baby It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) Yeah
What y'all wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? 9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard? Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard? Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM I never feed trolls and I don't read spam Installed a T1 line in my house Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse Upgrade my system at least twice a day I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support It's all about the Pentiums, what? You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen You've got white-out all over your screen You think your Commodore 64 is really neato What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito? You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half? You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette You're the biggest joke on the Internet Your database is a disaster You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar And postin' Me too! like some brain-dead AOL-er I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? 9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Uh, uh, loggin' in now Wanna run wit my crew, hah? Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do? They call me the king of the spreadsheets Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks But it was obsolete before I opened the box You say you've had your desktop for over a week? Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight My digital media is write-protected Every file inspected, no viruses detected I beta tested every operation system Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin' It does all my work without me even askin' Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide I believe that your says Etch-A-Sketch on the side In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user You've got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks? Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you What? What? What? What? What?
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby) Now, what y'all wanna do? |