This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long

Couldn't think of any lyrics
No I never wrote the lyrics
So I'll just sing any old lyrics
That come to mind, child

You really need words
Whole lotta rhyming words
You gotta rhyme so many words, mm-mm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it, to do it right, child

This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long

I know that you're probably sore
'Cause I didn't write any more
I just didn't get to complete it
So that's why I gotta repeat it

This song is just six words long (six words long)
This song is just six words long (six words long)

Oh I make a lotta money
They pay me a ton of money
They're payin' me plenty of money
To sing this song, child

I gotta fill time
Three minutes worth of time
Oh, how will I fill so much time, mm-mm
I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo
A solo, a solo here

This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long

This song's got nothin' to say
But I'm recording it anyway
I know if I put my mind to it
I know I could find a good rhyme here

Oh, you gotta have-a music
You need really catchy music
This song has got plenty of music
But just six words, child

And so I'll sing' em over
And over and over and over
And over and over and over, mm-mm
And over and over and over
And over and over and over again

Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long

This song is just six words long
It's just six words long

Uh huh ... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me

Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
Nineteen extra larges
What a shame
No one came

Just us eatin' all alone
You said, Take the pizza home
No sense lettin' all this go to waste
So then I faced

Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity

Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no

I was feelin' pretty down
'Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say

In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me

Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddely spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me

Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no

I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide

Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see

Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated

Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no

You can torture me
With Donnie & Marie
You can play some Barry Manilow
Or you can play some schlock
Like New Kids On The Block
Or any Village People song you know
Or play Vanilla Ice
Hey, you can play him twice
And you can play the Bee Gees any day
But Mr. DJ, please
I'm beggin' on my knees
I just can't take no more of Billy Ray

Don't play that song
That Achy Breaky song
The most annoying song I know
And if you play that song
That Achy Breaky song
I might blow up my radio, ooo...

You can clear the room
By playind Debbie Boon
Or crank your Abba records until dawn
Oh, I can even hear
Slim Whitman or Zamfir
Don't mind a Yoko Ono marathon
Or play some Tiffany
On 8-track or CD
Or scrape your fingernails across the board
Or tie me to a chair
And kick me down the stairs
Just please don't play that stupid song no more

Don't play that song
That Achy Breaky song
You know I hate that song a bunch
And if you play that song
That nauseating song
It might just make me lose my lunch, ooo...

Don't play that song
That Achy Breaky song
I think it's driving me insane
Oh, please don't play that song
That irritating song
I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain...

Don't play that song
That Achy Breaky song
The most annoying song I know
And if you play that song
That Achy Breaky song
I might blow up my radio, ooo-woo...

Potato skins, potato cakes
Hash browns, and instant flakes
Baked or boiled or french fried
There's no kind you haven't tried

You planned a trip to Idaho
Just to watch potatoes grow
I understand how you must feel
I can't deny they've got appeal

Whoah
You like them whether they are plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah
Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough
You know, you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds

Your greasy hands, your salty lips
Looks like you found the chips
Your belly aches, your teeth grind
Some tator tots would blow your mind

And you don't mind if they're not cooked
You need your fix, I guess you're hooked
And late at night you always dream
Of bacon bits and sour cream

Whoah, you like them even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah
Whee, It's pretty obvoius to me you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds

Ooh yeah

I'm givin' up, it'sjust no use
Another case of spud abuse
What can I say, what can I do
Potato bug has got me too, Wahoo

I used to hate them, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah
Whee, I've often seen then whipped, but they just can't be beat
Now I'm gonna have to face it
I'm addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds

Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight
She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight
Now lately I've been flying to all kinds of places
That I never really wanted to go
'Cause I'll do anything just to spend a little time
With the sutest flight attendant I know

You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy

Every one of our dates is at thirty thousand feet
She always points out the exits to me, she's so sweet
You know she gets me my headphones for free
Refills my coffee cup whenevr I ask
And you gotta admit my baby looks pretty hot
When she's wearin' that oxygen mask

Well well, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy

Amy, darlin', don't you know you really drive me nuts
Every time you're handing out those honey roasted peanuts
Airline Amy, this is my new mission
Gotta get you in an upright locked position

Oh yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Yeah yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
You're the only woman I desire, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher
No one else can take me higher
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It wa driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said IT'S GOOD FOR YOU
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say Who is it?
No answer
Who is it?
There's no answer
WHO IS IT?
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like Hey, you can't have that
That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me
And he's like Tough
And I'm like Give it
And he's like Make me
And I'm like 'Kay
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says Yeah, what do ya want?
I said You got any glazed donuts?
He said No, we're outta glazed donuts
I said Well, you got any jelly donuts?
He said No, we're outta jelly donuts
I said You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?
He said No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts
I said You got any cinnamon rolls?
He said No, we're outta cinnamon rolls
I said You got any apple fritters?
He said No, we're outta apple fritters
I said You got any bear claws?
He said Wait a minute, I'll go check
No, we're outta bear claws
I said Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?
He says All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels
I said OK, I'll take that

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head
I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said Hey, you've got weasels on your face

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?
I said Woah, hold on now, baby
I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say Hey, you want me to help you with that?
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like Hey man, I was just being sarcastic
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said A (A)
L (L)
B (B)
U (U)
querque (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Here she comes now, wants her alimony
Bleedin' me dry as a bony bony
Workin' three jobs just to stay in debt now
Well, first she took my nest egg then she took the nest
I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)

(Yeah) 'Cause she took my house (alimony), my car (alimony)
My shoes (alimony) and my toothbrush too (alimony)
Too bad (alimony), so sad (alimony)
Ah-she got (alimony), got the gift of grab (alimony)
I'm in debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt)

Lawyer's callin' me on the telephony
Tryin' to squeeze some blood from a stonee-stony
Ooh, I took her for better or for worse, yeah
Then she took me for everything, yeah everything
She could get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get)

(Get) Well I'm out of cash (alimony), no dough (alimony)
I'm broke (alimony), it's no joke (alimony)
The check's in the mail (alimony), get off (alimony)
My back (alimony), cut me some slack (alimony)
I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)

(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Oh you do
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Is it due
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Or you'll sue
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony)

Alimony (yeah), mony (yeah)
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)

Wow

(cash register ching)

(Alimony, alimony, alimony) I said (alimony)
Come on, come on, come on

Alimony, alimony, alimony
Bleed me dry (alimony)

I said no (no), oh no (no)
No (no), no (no), no (no), no (no), no (no)

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved
An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies all I agree I look good in black... fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Caruso
It's as primitave as can be

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another
Think you're really rightous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might just have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a %$@& if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right, nothing is fine
I'm running and a-crying

Wake up (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little make-up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable

You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

You wanted to
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
You wanted to

I don't think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
Hey

I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
Ride into the sun

She never loved me
She never loved me
She never loved me
Why should anyone?

(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for ya
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner

(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out to California

Do what I want 'cause I can
If I don't because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna

Hate to say I told you so, all right
Do believe I told you so
Now it's all out and you knew
'Cause I wanted to

Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love at once and almost completely
She's in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading

Can't think of anything to do
Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
She's just looking for something new
Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now

Last night, she said
Oh baby, don't you feel so down
When you turn me off
When I feel left out

So I (what'd you do?)
Well, I turned around (right around)
Oh, baby, gonna be alright
It was a great big lie (big old lie)

'Cause I left that night
Yeah

Ooh ah ah ah ah
Ooh ah ah ah ah

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up
Come on get down with the sickness

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me

We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk

This time I'm 'a let it all come out
This time I'm 'a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
My way or the highway

This time I'm a let it all come out
This time I'm a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way


Or the highway

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors

'Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are the youth of the nation Hey

I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up

I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please
Please, please stand up

Slim Shady won't you please stand up?
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)
Shady, won't you please stand up?
Hey

They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago
They looked so sweet and harmless
Tell me, how was I to know
They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise
They grew to forty thousand times their original size
They started mutatin' right before my eyes
Oh my

Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
A race from a distant place
They came in UFOs shaped just like cuban cigars
Man oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal
Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars

The president, he's is a panic
The pentagon, they're in shock
There's a team of research scientists They got 'em workin' 'round the clock
Now the National Guard is out in my back yard
And the Marines'll be comin' around
I hope they get this lousy rodents out of my town
'Cause the property values are goin' way down now

Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
They're back and they're lookin' for a snack
And they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars
I hope they're not plannin' to stay
Who invited them here anayway
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars

Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp
And there's one the size of central park
They're using telephone pole to pick their teeth
They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark
Oh, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys
You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot
They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world
But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute, now

Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
What a racquet they're makin', Jack
They keep me up at night playin' they're electric guitars
Listen to 'em squeal
They think the whole stinkin' world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars

Hey Jack, you better watch your back
Here come those hamsters from a planet near mars
Well, well, it's called the
Attack of the radioactive hamsters From a planet near Mars
A planet near Mars

You know my baby likes burping
You know my baby's kinda nauseating



My little vulgar one is so gross
'Cause when I hold her in my arms so close she goes


And out in public it's embarrassing
She'll burp at anyone or anything
She's so revolting and disgusting
And repulsive to me, yeah

My little lady's so obnoxious
Today she walked onto a Greyhound bus goin'



And then a couple hours later
My baby's in a crowded elevator



That little filthy pig is so obscene
I'm really glad she doesn't like beans
She's so revolting and disgusting
And repulsive to me, yeah

Oh, I wonder what's her trip
Oh, she'd better can it quick
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick

If baby does it anymore
I think I'll just pretend like I don't know her



You know my baby likes burping
You know my baby is really sickening



That's enough, that's it

Now, you won't find me braggin'
'Bout my big green station wagon
Or tellin' 'bout the traffic laws I'm breakin'
Everybody knows that I wouldn't dare
Match my wits with a red Corvair
And just the thought of a Pinto leaves me shakin'

Now, I don't think that I could hack
Drivin' a big white Cadillac
With ripped up upholstery and unnecessary frills
No, I don't think that I could bear
Drivin' somethin' other than a Belvedere
In a Belvedere I can really get my thrills

Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
Just watch me pass that Porsche on the right
I can take you anywhere
In my 1964 Belvedere
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight

I don't think that I could cruise
In one of those small VW's
Or zip along the highway in a classy pickup truck
There's somethin' 'bout a Comet
That makes me wanna vomit
And those Datsuns just ain't worth a Fudgesicle, no

Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
You got nothin' to lose but your life
It can take away your blues
All you've gotta do is cruise
In my big black Plymouth Belvedere tonight

With red upholstery
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight, yes indeed
Woo, goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
Yeah, goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight

I, man, am regal - a German am I
Never odd or even
If I had a hi-fi
Madam, I'm Adam
Too hot or to hoot
No lemons, no melon
Too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Rise to vote, sir
Do geese see god?
Do nine men interprite? Nine men, I nod
Rats live on no evil star
Won't lovers revolt now?
Race fast, safe car
Pa's a sap
Ma is as selfish as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam?

Ah, Satan sees Natasha
No evil lived on
Lonely Tylenol
Not a banana baton
No x in Nixon
O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
Naomi, I moan
A Toyota's a Toyota
A dog, a panic in a pagoda

Oh no! Don Ho!
Nurse, I spy gypsies - run!
Senile felines
Now I see bees I won
UFO tofu
We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog

Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
'Cause I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me
To me

Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

I see a little silhouetto of a mam
Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the Fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning - very, very frightening me
Galileo, Galileo
Galileo, Galileo
Galileo figaro - Magnifico... Hey! Hey! Hey!
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Will not let you go - let him go
Will not let you go - let him go
No, no, no, no, no no no no no!

Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me
For me

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh, baby - Can't do this to me, baby
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here

Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me Anyway the wind blows - Hey!

Get your program running
Head out to the center
Terminals are waiting
For the data that you'll enter

Everybody says that you're a nerd, but
They should know that you just don't care
Got your Hewlett-Packard on your belt and
Vaseline in your hair

Like a true mommy's child
You were born, born to be mild
When your batteries die
You're always gonna cry
Born to be mild

Pencils in your pocket
Patent leather briefcase
Studying your Fortran
You got pimples on your face

Gotta do your homework
Forget about the prom dance
They think that you're a big jerk
'Cause you wear a pair of flood pants

Every day you wake up
Your oscilloscope is humming
Parties tend to break up
When they find out that you're coming

I used to think my life was so empty
I used to think life was passin' me by
Well, I was just about ready
To curl up and die

But then one day I got a visit
From the cable company
Well, they hooked me up and plugged me right in
And now I got cable TV

And now I get to watch the stock report in Korean
Midget wrestling on channel three
It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em
Yeah, but that's all right with me

I got cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV (Cable TV)
Oh, eighty-three channels of ecstasy
I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV

I got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network
The news and weather from Peru
I got celebrity hockey
The Racketball Channel too

Bugs Bunny direct from Atlanta
Mr. Wizard is on at five
I got a satellite dish on the trunk of my car
So I can watch MTV while I drive

I'm talkin' 'bout real quality programs
The kind you just can't get for free
Now I never wanna leave my apartment
'Cause there's just so much for me to see

On my cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV(Cable TV)
Well, if you need to find me
You know where I'll be
Watchin' my cable TV, yeah
Watchin' my cable TV

'Cause I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV

My friends are gettin' kinda worried
They think I'm turning into some kinda freak
Oh, but they're just jealous 'cause I've seen Porky's
Twenty-seven times this week

On my cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV (Cable TV)
Yeah, the greatest thing that's ever happened to me
I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV

Well, I got to have cable TV, yeah
I need my cable TV

Well, I love, I love my cable TV (TV)
Got to have cable TV (TV)
Well, I got to have my cable TV, yeah (TV)
Can't live without my cable TV

Well, I said, got to have some cable TV (TV)
I've got to have my cable TV
I said cable TV, yeah (TV)
Got to have cable TV

Hit my snooze alarm for the twenty seventh time
Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm
Gonna hack and cough and wheeze
Swear I got some strange disease
What's that little twerp gonna say
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today

I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp
I could spend all day in my underwear wathing Ernest Goes To Camp
I could sit and count my hair
I could burp my Tupperware
I'm not busy anyway
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today

I can do anything I want to
I am invincible now
I'm on fire, baby
I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world?
I'm alive

Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun
And trying not to squint
Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from
My belly button lint
When I'm sick of takin' abuse
I just make up some lame excuse
Freedom's just seven digits away
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't gonna work, no way
Callin' in sick today

Listen to the Muzak
Hearin' people scream
Sittin' in the waiting room
Readin' crappy magazines
With a toothache
This is it, pal
Root Canal

My molars are impacted
I'm gettin' gum disease
I'm gonna need some fillings
Got twelve cavities
Can you help me
Have mercy
Doctor, please

My teeth are a fright
Got a huge overbite
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

You jab at my nerve endings
It's driving me insane
Just give me nitrous oxide
Shoot me up with novocaine
Help me out here
'Cause I'm so severe
Pain

Please stop for a bit
Let me rinse and spit
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

You validate my parking
I think that I'm okay
But you make one more appointment for
A week from Saturday
'Cause you came upon
A problem on
My x-ray
Oy vey!

I'm getting absurd
Well, I hope I'm insured, now
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios
Did you know Froot Loops fit in your nose
I may be just a simple guy
But just the thought of Corn Flakes makes me high

Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, Cheerios
Makes me want to take off all my clothes
I love them dearly, and that's how it goes
Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios

When we were young, Bernie's Deli was down the block
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
He made a great liver pate
(You know he did, you know he did, you know he did)
But if there's one thing in this world that I like better
Than a corned beef on rye

It's Chicken Pot Pie
Chicken Pot Pie

Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic.
You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime.
I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day.
Mom would be cooking up a mess of boysenberry and tunafish burritos
for our big Christmas dinner, and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam.
And then, the big day would finally arrive.
I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa,
a-and when he finally showed up,
we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised
to give us everything we wanted! Ah, yeah, those were the days.
Well, Merry Christmas everybody, and, let's do lunch.

Look
If you had
One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it?
Or just let it slip?
Yo

Remote is ready
Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip
Garbage is all I'm getting

There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul
They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out
Time to throw in the towel

Shows based on reality
Oh, the humanity!
Oh, Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity
Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No, they live happily
Yo

Plus Da Ali G Show
And Celebrity Mole
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole
Well, she's scaring me

Look ma, no cavities
Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something

You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo)

You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV
They told me, cajoled me, Turn off those music videos (no)
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)

My butt is aching
As I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King
To 24 to Law And Order
The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes's ancient reporters
Next up on E! True Hollywood Story
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey

Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
CSI: Boise and Touched By An Uncle both sound pretty lame 'n'
So does Everybody Tolerates Raymond
And King of Queens jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it

I'll move right on to 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter
Then I bet
I watch The Bachelorette
Followed by Welcome Back, Kotter
And The Muppet Show where they go 'Mahna Mahna'

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo)

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow)
I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're Gonna)

Never missed Melrose Place or Lost In Space
I've seen each Amazing Race and Without A Trace
But I only watched Will And Grace one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay

Oh, and Fear Factor I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions
Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians

Like to tie up those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like Scanners
Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on Survivor
Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider

And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob, plus there's MacGyver
And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special all Pig-Latin episode of Drew Carey

Wanna turn on E.T. 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot
Then we come back to Are You Hot?
I was planning on recording The Sopranos
I forgot

I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got
One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show (no)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)

You can watch anything you want to, man

Well, woke up this morning
With a Big Mac in my hand
What fries, whose fries
Where's my Hot Apple Pies
Must be a joke
I can't believe there's no Coke
Thank you, thank you, thank you

Put down your chainsaw and listen to me
It's time for us to join in the fight
It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
It's time to let the bedbugs bite

You better put all your eggs in one basket
You better count your chickens before they hatch
You better sell some wine before it's/its time
You better find yourself an itch to scratch

You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wimpole's not around
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan

Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite on more than you chew
What can you do
Dare to be stupid

Take some wooden nickles
Look for Mr. Goodbar
Get your mojo working now
I'll show you how
You can dare to be stupid

You can turn the other cheek
You can just give up the ship
You can eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip

Dare to be stupid
Come on and dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Let's go

It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk
Now it's time for crying in your beer

Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA
Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevyrolet
And party 'till you're broke and they drive you away
It's OK, you can dare to be stupid

It's like spitting on a fish
It's like barking up a tree
It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free

Dare to be stupid (yes)
Why don't you dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Dare to be stupid

Burn your candle at both ends
Look a gift horse in the mouth
Mashed potatoes can be your friends

You can be a coffee achiever
You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver
The future's up to you
So what you gonna do

Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
What did I say
Dare to be stupid
Tell me, what did I say
Dare to be stupid
It's alright
Dare to be stupid
We can be stupid all night
Dare to be stupid
Come on, join the crowd
Dare to be stupid
Shout it out loud
Dare to be stupid
I can't hear you
Dare to be stupid
OK, I can hear you now
Dare to be stupid
Let's go, Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid

One, two, a-one, two, three, four

Well I, can't go to the park
I can't go to work
I can't do nothin'
I gotta stay in my house like a jerk

How come I always lose
My car has blown a fuse
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
And the dead car battery blues

You know, can't visit my girlfriend
I can't go to school
I can't go anywhere
Gotta stay in my room like a fool

'Cause I got grease in my hair
My Belvedere's in disrepair
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
And the dead car battery blues

So I, went to see my mechanic
He said, Okay, now what is wrong
I told him my car wouldn't start
He said, This shouldn't take very long

So he replaced all my plugs and my points
And he looked at my carburetor
He took out my engine and turned it around
And then seventeen hours later

He looked at my headlights and said
Son, how long have these things been on
I told him, Oh, about three or four weeks
He said, Buddy, I know what's wrong
But I hate to be the one to give you the news
You got the dead car battery blues

So now I, can't go to my office
Can't work on my job
I might as well lock myself up in my room
And live my life like a slob

How come I always lose
My Belvedere has blown a fuse
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
And the dead car battery blues

Hi
This is Weird Al Yankovic and you're listening to the Dr. Demento show

In the year of 1970
Underneath the old smogberry tree
First was heard a man that we all know
The one and only Dr. Demento

Nixon, Ford, and Carter, Reagan too
Remember all they did and didn't do
Through it all, one consistency
Spending once a week with Dr. D

So wind your radios way up tight
Raise your glasses high tonight
Like wine, his spirit has fermented
So here's to him, the one who stays demented

Changes come, seasons pass
Like Alice through the looking glass
He shares a world of madness that we cheer
For fifteen roly poly years.

So wind your radios way up tight
Raise your glasses high tonight
Like wine, his spirit has fermented
So here's to him, the one who stays demented

Don't forget to stay demented

Everybody sing
He has a very friendly, fuzzy face
And nobody could ever take his place
His fans around the globe will never dwindle
'Cause he fits so many records on his spindle

Stacks of laughing wax from floor to ceiling
Well, it gives him such a warm internal feeling
Whether you're Italian or Egyptian
He's bound to fill your musical prescription

Wind your radios way up tight
Raise your glasses high tonight
Like wine, his spirit has fermented
So here's to him, the one who stays demented

Wind your radios way up tight
Raise your glasses high tonight
Like wine, his spirit has fermented
So here's to him, the one who stays demented

In the year of 1970
Underneath the old smogberry trees
First was heard a man that we all know
The one and only Dr. Demento

Yeah

How come you're always such a fussy young man
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raison Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it

Don't want to argue, I don't want to debate
Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate
You won't get no dessert 'till you clean off your plate
So eat it

Don't you tell me you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it, ooh

Your table manners are some cryin' shame
You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game
Now, if you starve to death, you'll just have yourself to blame
So eat it, just eat it

You better listen, better do what you're told
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole
You better chow down or it's gonna get cold
So eat it

I don't care if you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Open up your mouth and feed it
Have some more yogurt, have some more spam
It doesn't matter it it's fresh or tanned
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeate it
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
If it's gettin' cold, reheat it
Have a big dinner, have a light snack
If you don't like it, you can't send it back
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it (oh lord)
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it (oh no)
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes

I guessed, Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the truck

And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr

They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some polaroids
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
They offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go

And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head of
Colonel Sanders started yelling

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
When I got a nasty papercut
And, well, to make a long story short
It got infected and I died

So now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter
By the pearly gates
And it's obvious he doesn't like
The Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
He tells me that they've got a dress code

Well, he lets me into heaven anyway
But I get the room next to the noisy ice machine
For all eternity
And every day he runs by screaming

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore
Because the simple fact remains that

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Everything you know is wrong

How about making a run for the border
How about me deserving a break today
How about getting some fries with my order
How about finally letting me have it my way

Thank you Burger King
Thank you Dairy Queen
Thank you, thank you KFC

Thank you Pizza Hut
Thank you Taco Bell
Thank you so much Wendy's

Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right

My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown

Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat

When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code

When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat

If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house
I really sit around the house

You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know, you know, you know, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd
Lemme tell you once again

You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, you know, hoo
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud
Just tell me once again who's fat

Fatter, fatter
Shake 'n Bake, fatter
Shake 'n Bake, fatter
Fatter

Corndogs, pizza, Coca Cola
Yogurt, butterscotch, granola
Look at me, I'm fatter
I'm fatter, I'm fatter

Friends all gather 'round me
My enemies surround me
Yelling Fatso, fatso, fatso
I've eaten at every single greasy spoon on Seventh Avenue
That's right, I'm fatter

Don't you know my weight is going up, up, up, up, up
I tell you, this turkey sure is tough
Tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, tough

They got pizza on the west side
French fries up town
Corn dogs deep fried in batter
I'm fatter

Go ahead, bite the big apple
Don't mind the calories
Pile it on my platter
I'm fatter

Pile it up, pile it high up

Oy
Oy

Down on the street they got bagels
And there's a sale on cream cheese and lox
Nosh on some blintzes and bratwurst
Not in the mood for Jack-In-The-Box

Oy vey

We gonna schlepp on through to Flatbush Avenue
Kielbasa and chopped liver
We gonna schlepp on through to Flatbush Avenue
Or maybe they'll deliver

Risin' above the city, blocking out the noonday sun
It dwarfs the mighty redwoods and it towers over everyone
I still remember when that delivery truck came down our block
What a lucky guy, I hear he got the last one in stock
And the neighbors are just green
They say, That's the biggest screen we've ever seen!

It's Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV)
Everbody come and see(Frank's 2000 TV)
Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV)

That's Frank's remote control, you can look, but don't touch it, please
'Cause Frank's the one in charge and he decides what everybody sees
The picture's crystal clear and everything is magnified
Robert DeNiro's mole has got to be ten feet wide
Everybody in the town
Can hear those 90,000 watts of Dolby sound
And I'm mighty proud to say
Now I can watch The Simpsons from thirty blocks away

On Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 TV)
Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 TV)

I'm gonna get one of my own real soon
It's like having a drive-in movie in your own living room
Whoa, hey now... hey now na na na now
Hey now... hey now na na now

Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 TV)
Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV)
Got a two year warranty on parts and labor
Frank's 2000 TV (Frank's 2000 TV)
Frank's 2000 TV

Late at night, you're hungry
You're craving some pizza
Let me be the one that you call

Olive or anchovy
Perhaps pepperoni
Anything you want, we've got it all

Near, far, I'll jump in my car
You just call in your order and I'm gone
You know, we hand toss our dough
Just tell me what you want and the toppings will go on and on

Deep dish, whatever you wish
Even get two for one with a coupon
You must try our special crust
But just don't eat too fast or your heartburn will go on and on

[Announcer:] Next week on U62...
[Announcer:] He's back
[Announcer:] And this time
[Announcer:] He's mad

[Announcer:] Gandhi II

[Announcer:] No more mister passive resistance
[Announcer:] He's out to kick some butt
[Announcer:] This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with

[Gandhi :] Don't move, slimeball

[Announcer:] He's a one man recking crew
[Announcer:] But he also knows how to party

[Gandhi :] Gimme a steak, medium rare

[Gangster :] Hey, Baldy!

[Announcer:] There is only one law
[Announcer:] His law

[Announcer:] Gandhi II

Gee, I'm a nerd
Seen each Star Trek eighty times
Memorized each word

Home alone
On Friday nights
But I got eight gigabytes
Left on my hard drive

I'm hooked as I can get
Into the Internet
Maybe you would like to see my web page

I love my new PC
It means the world to me
So many things to download

Gee, I'm a nerd
All the jocks and muscle heads
Flip me the bird
Cause I'm a nerd

Gee, I'm a nerd

I woke up this morning
Then I went back to bed
Said I woke up this morning
Then I went right back to bed
Got a funny kind of feelin' like I got broken glass in my underwear
And a herd of wild pigs is trying to chew off my head
You know what I'm sayin'

Well I ain't got not money
I'm just walkin' down the road
Said I ain't got no money, honey
So I'm just walking down this lonely old road
Well, I wish I could get me some money
But I forgot my automated teller code

I was born in a paper sack in the bottom of a sewer
I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor
My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tiles
My brothers and sisters all hated me 'cause I was an only child

I got the blues so bad, woo
Kinda wish I was dead
Maybe I'll blow my brains out mama
Or maybe I'll, yeah maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead

I'm just a no good, scum sucking, nose picking, boot licking, sniveling, groveling, worthless hunk of slime

Nothing but a low-down beer bellied, bone headed, pigeon toed, turkey necked, weasle faced, worthless hunk of slime

Guess I pretty low self image
Maybe it's a chemical imbalance or something -- I
I should probably go and see a doctor about it when I've got the time
Make it talk
Aw, make it talk, son, make it talk
OK, now make it shut up

Plagues and famine and pestilence always seem to get me down
I always feel so miserable whenever I'm around
I wish somebody would come along, stick a pitchfork through my brain
I'd flush myself right down the toilet, but I'd just clog up the drain

I got the blues so bad
Kinda wish I was dead
Maybe I'll blow my brains out mama
Or maybe I'll go bowling
Or I just might go bowling
Maybe I'll just rent some shoes and go bowling
Maybe I'll join a league, enter a tournament, put on a stupid looking
shirt and go bowling instead
Yeah

I'm not the brightest crayon in the box
Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks
I barely even know how to put on my own pants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France

Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka

I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese
I got a negative number on my SATs
I'm not good looking and I don't know how to dance
But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be
A genius in France, a genius in France, a genius in France

People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak
An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique
If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week

But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek
They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique
When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic

They love my body odor and my bad toupee
They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret
And when I'm sipping on a Perrier
In some cafe town in St. Tropez

It's hard to keep the fans at bay
They say, Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait
Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait

Hemenene humenene
himenene homenene
Poodle... poodle...

Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool
Got too much chlorine in my gene pool

A few peas short of a casserole
A few buttons missing on my remote control
A few fries short of a happy meal
I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

Instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel

But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants
Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants
And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!)

That's right
(He's a genius in France, genius in France)
You know it
(He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France)

I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree
They say, Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?

I say, Oui, oui
That's right, I say, Oui, oui
Oui, oui
He says, Oui, oui

I'm dumber than a box of hair
But those Frenchies don't seem to care
Don't know why, mon frere
But they love me there

I'm a genius in France
Yeah, I'm a genius in France

Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes
Gonna make those Frenchies scream
You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!

Like a fine Renoir (waa), I've got that je me c'est quoi (quoi!)
Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la), I've got that je me c'est ...
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo

Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow



I'm a taco short of a combo plate
But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great
Oh, the men all faint and the women scream
They like me more than heavy cream

When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy
My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie)
They think I'm awful witty, a riot and a half
When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh(haw haw haw haw haw)
And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)

People in France have lots of attitude
They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food
But when they see me, they just come unglued
They think that I am one happening dude

Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm
I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball
But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle

Entre nous, it's very true
The room temperature's higher than my IQ
But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu
How did this happen; I don't have a clue

Well, I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm
I don't have any skills or grace or charm
And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France

And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never never never never goin' back home again
I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket
Gonna tell the folks back here where they can stick it

'Cause I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back

The girls back home never gave me a chance
But I sho' 'nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance
And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance
But Great Googily Moogily, I'm a genius in France

Every Frenchie that I meet
Just can't wait to kiss my feet
Get in line, pucker up! Tout Suite!

Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy

I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour
I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power
Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower

A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left

I'm the biggest dork there is alive
My mom picked out my clothes for me 'till I was 35
And I forgot to mention
I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention

But the Frenchies think
That my poop don't stink
I'm a genius in France

Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon?
Merci beaucoup

George, George, George of the jungle
Strong as he can be
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree

George, George, George of the jungle
Lives a life that's free
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree

When he gets in scrapes
When he makes his escapes
With the help of his friend
An ape named Ape

Then away he'll schlep
On his elephant Shep
While Fella and Ursula
Stay in step with

George, George, George of the jungle
Friend to you and me
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree
Watch out for that (Ahhh) (Oooh) tree
George, George, George of the Jungle
Friend to you and me

Sometimes I really want to be alone
But that's one state I'm never in
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin

(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back
(Germs) I can't even see 'em, but I know they're up to something
Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria

Now if I ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start their sneak attack
In the morning I wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque

(Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(Germs) And there's more comin' every day
(Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria

They're creepin' around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
They're ridin' inside my car
They're swimmin' in my drink
They're hidin' between my toes
They're lurkin' in every kiss
I got 'em way up my nose
In every orafice
I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
Just gimme some Lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
Don't tell me I'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
Look under the microscope
See??

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria

They're all over me
I can feel 'em all over me
Over every part of me
Microscopic bacteria
I know they're watching me
They're always watching me
They're coming after me
Microscopic bacteria
Won't somebody help me
Please somebody help me
You've got to believe me
They're out to get me
They wanna control me
They wanna destroy me
They're tryin' to kill me
It kind of upsets me

Some girls like to buy new shoes
And others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos
There's only one thing that they all like a bunch
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch

I know how to keep a woman satisfied
When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide
They're always in the mood for something to munch
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have

That's all they really want
Some lunch
Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch
'Cause girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch

Girls, they want
Want to have lunch
Girls wanna have

She eats like she got a hole in her neck
And I'm the one that always gets stuck with the check
Can't figure out how come they don't weigh a ton
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have

That's all they really want
Is some lunch
Don't know for certain but I've got a hunch
Those girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch

Girls, they want
Want to have lunch
Girls wanna have

They just want to
They just want to
Girls

They just want to
They just want to
Girls just want to have lunch

Girls
Girls just want to have lunch

They just want to
They just want to
They just want to
They just want to
They just want to
They just want to

Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off

Well, I went out to a party just the other night
I was jammin' to the music, I was feelin' alright
I was burning up the floor like a disco maniac
When my woman said, Baby, why's your hand behind you back?

Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
I said boogie (gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off

I can't pick it off (uh uh)
I can't flick it off (uh uh)
I sure ain't gonna lick it off (oh no)
So I guess I'm gonna have to learn to live with it

I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off

(boogie)
Gotta boogie
(boogie)

Hey, you wanna boogie? (No man, I don't wanna boogie)
Wanna boogie? (Get that boogie out of my face)
Do any of you wanna boogie? (No!)

Gotta boogie on my finger
Gotta boogie on my finger
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off

Well, I think you're obnoxious
And I think that you stink
I think you're a moron
A slob, and a fink
You're one of the biggest turkeys I know
And that is the reason I'm going to

Throw gravy on you
And throw gravy on you
And throw gravy, gravy on you-ou-ou-ou-ou

I do not like Green Eggs and Ham
I do not like them
Sam, I am

I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere
I do not like them in a boat
I would not, could not, with a goat

I will not eat them in the rain
I do not like them on a train
I do not like them in a box
I will not eat them with a fox

I do not like them in a house
I would not, could not, with a mouse
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham
I do not like them
Sam, I am

Green Eggs and Ham
Green Eggs and Ham
Don't like Green Eggs and Ham

Gump sat alone on a bench in the park
My name is Forrest, he'd casually remark
Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets
He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates

He's Gump, He's Gump
What's in his head?
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
Is he in-bred?

Gump was a big celebrity
He told JFK that he really had to pee
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does

He's Gump, He's Gump
He's kinda square
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
What's with that hair?

Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... run... run like the wind now
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... stop!

His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man
His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt

He's Gump, He's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
But he's alright

Is this Gump out of his head?
I think so
Is this Gump really brain dead?
I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread?
I think so
And that's all I have to say about that

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, it's time to celebrate your birthday, it happens every year
We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer
You should be good and happy that there's something you can eat
A million npeople every day are starving in the street

Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor
Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four
There's garbage in the water
There's poison in the sky
I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, what's the matter little friend, you think this party is the pits
Enjoy it while you can, we'll soon be blown to bits
The monkeys in the pentagon are gonna cook our goose
Their finger's on the button, all they need it an excuse

It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be crispy critters after World War III
There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide
When they drop the big one, we all get fried

(Come on boys and girls, sing along, ok?)

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
wow! (background screaming, sound effect)

Well there's a punk in the alley and he's looking for a fight
There's an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight
There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed
Seems that everywhere you look today there's misery and greed

I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take
Just blow out the candles and have a piece of cake

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
wow!

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

(Happy Birthday!)

And a pinch to grow an inch!

Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news

He said, Hey, you know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we can go buy bolts and screws

Since then I've been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since last June

For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside
Well, I hope they open soon

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line

Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine

Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically

And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will get a ball peen hammer free

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

Would you look at all that stuff ...
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tacks, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

Oh, Harvey, Harvey
Harvey the Wonder Hamster
He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal
He just runs around on his hamster wheel
Harvey, Harvey
Harvey the Wonder Hamster
Hey, Harvey!

Once, there was this kid who
Took a trip to Singapore and brought along his spray paint
And when he finally came back
He had cane marks all over his bottom
He said that it was from when
The warden whacked it so hard

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

[whip sound] Ahh

Once there was this girl who
Swore that one day she would be a figure skating champion
And when she finally made it
She saw some other girl who was better [ding sound]
And so she hired some guy to
Club her in the kneecap

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
[thwack sound] Ahh
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

They got paid for their sound bites
And sold their TV movie rights

And then, there was this guy who
Made his wife so mad one night that she cut off his weiner
And when he finally came to
He found that Mr. Happy was missing
He couldn't quite explain it
It'd always just been there

Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm

Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)

Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)

(There were, there is)
(There were, there is)

When I was a little boy
(When I was just a boy)
And my mother would call my name
(When I was just a boy)
She'd say I had to be in the house by seven
(When I was just a boy)

But I'd stay out late at night
(When I was just a boy)
And when I'd finally get back in
Oh, I know she'd hit me, she'd hit me
She'd sit me on her knees and whip me

Oh, she'd hit me with a rock
She'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
She'd hit me (hit me with a rock)
She'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)

And when I was grown to be a man
(Grown to be a man)
The minute the boss would call my name
(Grown to be a man)
And say I had to be in the office by seven
(Grown to be a man)

I'm a constipated man
(Grown to be a man)
And when I'd finally get back in
Oh, my boss'd hit me, he'd hit me
He'd tie me to a chair and whip me

Oh he'd hit me with a rock
He'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
He'd hit me (hit me with a rock)
He'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)

When I was grown to be President
(Was the President)
The minute the congress'd call my name
(Was the President)
And said some papers had to be signed by Thursday
(Had to be signed by Thursday)

I'd fly away to Pakistan
(Was the President)
And the second that I'd get back home
Oh, I know they'd hit me, they'd hit me
With leather and chains they'd whip me

Oh, they'd hit me with a rock
They'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
They'd hit me. (Hit me with a rock)
They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
Hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
Yah yah yah yah yah yah
(Hit me with a rock)
(Hit with a rock)
Ow, whaddaya doin' to me, get away from me
(Hit with a rock, oh baby)
(Hit with a rock)
(He's gettin' hit with a rock)
(He's gettin' hit with a rock, oh baby)
(Hit with a rock)

Wait a minute, hold it
I think he's dead
Let's leave
Let's get out of here, man

Hi, this is Weird Al Yankovic, and I'd just like to take this opportunity to say:
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas

Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic,
hoping that your new year isn't a torture-filled living hell,
and that you finally decide to do something worthwhile with your miserable,
wretched lives.
Thank you

Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic,
and I'd like to wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
And to all my Japanese friends, feliz navidad

Hi, this is Weird Al Yankovic,
wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas.
And now, here's a cheery little number I wrote about death, destruction,
and the end of the world, called Christmas At Ground Zero

Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic.
You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime.
I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day.
Mom would be cooking up a mess of boisenberry and tunafish burritos
for our big Christmas dinner,
and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam
And then, the big day would finally arrive.
I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa,
a-and when he finally showed up,
we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised to give us
everything we wanted
Ah, yeah, those were the days.
Well, Merry Christmas everybody, and, let's do lunch

Hi, this is Weird Al Yankovic.
Remember, if you have one or two of those traditional blueberry daiquiris
this holiday season, please, let somebody else drive

Hello, this is Weird Al Yankovic,
urging you to remember the true meaning of the Christmas season,
and also to buy as many copies of my new album as you possibly can!
Ah-HAHAHAHA! AH-HA! Heh

This is Weird Al Yankovic!
Go ahead, go ahead!
Have a Merry Christmas, see if I care

I can't watch this. I can't watch this
I can't watch this. I can't watch this

My my my my TV makes me so bored
Makes me say, oh my lord
What is this garbage here?
Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears
It sucks, and that's no lie
It's about as much fun as watching paint dry
Lowers my IQ one notch
And that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch

I told you homeboy... I can't watch this
Yeah, nothin' but trash and you know...
I can't watch this
Poke out my eyes, man... I can't watch this
Yo, gimme that remote control... I can't watch this

Talkin' 'bout sick shows
Tere's America's Funniest Home Videos
I can't believe my eyes
When I see the kind of stuff that wins first prize
Somebody's poor old mom
Falls down off the roof, lands right on the lawn
Face first on a rake
I hear they've got it on the seventeenth take
That's funny as a kick in the crotch
And that kind of show, uh, I can't watch

Yo, I told you... I can't watch this
Change the channel now, man... I can't watch this
Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucker... I can't watch this

Cosby Show and Rosanne
Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can
Judge Wopner, oh my
You gotta be Rainman to like this guy
Thirtysomething is alright
If you like hearing yuppies whining all night
Can't stand Twin Peaks
Wish they'd lynch those donun-eatin' freaks
Thos Siskel & Ebert bums
Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs

That's word because you know... I can't watch this
I can't watch this
Break it down!

Here's-how-to-order-money-back-guarantee-removes-tough-stains-fast
-it-tastes-more-like-fresh-peanuts-they-keep-going-and-going-don't-hate-me
-because-I'm-beautiful-could-be-dandruff-our-prices-are-insaaaane!!!

Stop! Prime Time!
I'm pretty sure I'll be sick
If I have to watch another stupid pet trick
Or that guy with the real flat hair
That goes woof woof woof and waves his fist in the air
Or those weird talk shows
About Transsexual Nazi Eskimos
They're rude, crude and vile
Just for a minute let's flip down the dial

Flip, flip, flip... yeccch, I can't watch this
Look man... I can't watch this
I can't take this torture no more, I can't...
I can't watch this
Pay the bills, station break
Break it down!

Operators-are-standing-by-cubic-zirconium-necklace-you're-soaking-in-it
-and-our-fabulous-swimsuit-issue-when-you've-got-a-headache-this-big
-this-is-your-brain-on-drugs-I've-fallen-and-I-can't-get-up!!

Stop! Cable Time!
HBO and Playboy, Showtime and MTV
I might like 'em more after my lobotomy
Now why did I ever pay for this junk?
I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk
Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless T & A
It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away

I can't watch this. I can't watch this
I can't watch this. Yeah... I can't watch this
I told you... can't watch this
Too hip, can't watch this
Get me outta here... can't watch this

I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yah, but chocolate's gettin' old
Vanilla just leaves me cold

There's just one flavor good enough for me, yah me
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon
I know what I need

Baby, I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow

They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same
All the soda jerkers know my name
When their supple is gone
Then I'll be movin' on

But I'll be back on Monday afternoon, you'll see
Another truck load's comin' in for me, all for me
I'm singin'

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow

(oh, make it talk)

When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone
And if I get fat and loose my teeth that's fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key
Sing it

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me

Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he took my pants off and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight 'till dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair
'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube with glue
All those wedgies he gave, all those shoestrings he tied
All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside
Oh Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half?
Well, he really got me good that time!

Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag

Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try

Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry

Isn't it strange
Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror
What would people say
If only they knew that I was

Part of some geneticist's plan (plan-plan-plan)
Born to be a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
There in a petri dish late one night
They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say

I think I'm a clone now
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

Look at the way
We go out walking close together
I guess you could say
I'm really beside myself

I still remember how it began (gan-gan-gan)
They produced a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
Born in a science lab late one night
Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And I can stay at home while I'm out of town
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

Signing autographs for my fans
Come and meet the carbon copy man
Livin' in stereo, it's all right
Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say

I think I'm a clone now
Another one of me's always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
I've been on Oprah Winfrey - I'm world renowned
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
That's my genetic twin always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)

Woh oh

I want a new duck
One that won't try to bite
One that won't chew a hole in my socks
One that won't quack all night

I want a new duck
One with big webbed feet
One that knows how to wash my car
And keep his room real neat

One that won't raid the ice box
One that'll stay in shape
One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape
Or I'll tie him up with duck tape

I want a new duck
A mallard I think
One that won't make a mess of my house
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink

I want a new duck
One that won't steal my beer
One that won't stick his bill in my mail
One that knows the duck stops here

One that won't drive me crazy waddling all around
One who'll teach me how to swim and help me not to drown
And show me how to get down
How to get down baby

Get it?
*****
*****
*** ****
****
*** ***

I want a new duck
Not a swan or a goose
Just a drake I can dress real cute
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce

I want a new duck
Not a quail or an owl
One that won't molt to much
One that won't smell too fowl

One that won't beg for breadcrumbs
Hangin' around all day
He'd better mind his manners
Better do just what I say
Or he's gonna be duck patte, duck patte, yah, yah
*

*****
***** (*** ** **)
****
*******

When I said that I'd be faithful
When I promised I'd be true
When I swore that I could never
Be with anyone but you
When I told you that I loved you
With those tender words I spoke
I was only kidding
Now, can't you take a joke?

When I said that I need you, baby
When I told you that I really care
When I said that I can't live without you
When I said I'd follow you anywhere
When I said you could always trust me
When I said I'd never leave you flat
Well, guess what? I was only kidding, baby
I can't belieeeeve you fell for that! You're so gullible...

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You thought that was for real?
I was only kidding
Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, I was...
(I was) only kidding
Well, I guess I got you pretty good, now listen...

When I said that I love you, baby
From the very bottom of my heart
When I said that I miss you so badly
Every second we're apart
When I swore that you're just getting more and more
Beautiful every day
Well, I was only kidding, honey
What's the matter with you anyway? Let me tell you something

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You understand, don't ya?
I was only kidding
Well, I guess it probably hurts you alot, but you gotta know
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Come on now, get a clue
I was only kidding
I really love you... NOT!

When I said you oughta marry
When I said that we should settle down
Well, I was pullin' your leg there, honey
I was just foolin' around
You see, I -- I never meant to upset you, darlin'
I never meant to hurt anyone
I was only kidding, baby
Why don't you just put down that gun?
Let's talk this over

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Whatch where you're pointing that thing
(I was only kidding)
Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke... you gotta realize
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Aww, yeah
I was only kidding
Now, honey, can't you take a joke?
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I didn't lie to you
I was only kidding... Yes indeed
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, you know
(I was only kidding) Hey!

So you got dry rot and your water pressure's weak
Your trash compactor's broke, the roof has sprung a leak
You just found out your toilet's overflowed
And your smoke detector's smoking and your heater's gonna explode
But

I'll repair for you (when the roof starts to fall)
I'll repair for you (all the cracks in your wall)
I'll repair for you (every nail, bolt and screw)

Your washer's busted and your faucet drips all night
You got some termites with a healthy appetite
Well have no fear, I'll patch up every hole
And I'm licensed and I'm bonded, even se habla espanol
So

I'll repair for you (when your doorknob is loose)
I'll repair for you (when your plunger's no use)
I'll repair for you (with a caulk and hot glue)

I am prepared to tackle all kinds of paste and spackle
You got a leaky shower, I'll be there in an hour
With stucco, bricks and plaster, I am a Jedi master
We'll help you through your crisis
Check out our low, low prices too, yeah

Your floors are sagging and your plumbing's shot
But if you don't mind my hairy butt crack every time that I squat

I'll repair for you, anything that you need
I'll repair for you, and my word's guaranteed
I'll repair for you, I'll rewire it too
I'll repair for you
I'll repair for you
I'll repair for you, every nail, bolt and screw

You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time?
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
You hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If onle one thing weren't true
Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

You drink the milk right from the carton
What are you, in kindergarten?
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now, give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

And when you softly call my name
It's like listenin' to that squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you askin' me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin'
How I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape
So I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions
Over and over again

Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh
Gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you cam along I nbever dated anyone
This low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O
You woke up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggrivatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick

(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now

If I could make love to a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
I'd search the world over to find one
that had the exact same circumference as you

Met this fine young thing
At the local Circle K
We made a date for a half past eight
And I said, What the hey?

So I journeyed to her crib
And I let myself inside
That chick was slouched down on the couch
I think her brain was fried

Couldn't figure it out
She wouldn't even look at me
Then I saw her eyes, she was hypnotised
Cold glued to her TV

Hey, what's your problem baby doll
Let's have a little fling
She said, Hey you fool, now just be cool
I'm watchin' that Gilligan's Isle thing

Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing

Watchin' all night
Musta, been a marathon
I was bummin', those shows kept comin'
Here's what was goin' on

These Castaways were stranded
On this island out at sea
One of them called Gilligan
So let's name him after m

He'd mess up every rescue
Man, that first mate was illin'
If I was one of those Castaways
I think I'd probably kill 'im

Just about that time
Telephone began to ring
She said, Just let it, my machine'll get
We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle thing

Isle thing
She loves that Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please

I like the professor
He always saves their butts
He could build a nuclear reactor
From a clouple' of coconuts

She said, That guy's a genius
I shook my head and laughed
I said, If he's so fly, they tell me why
He couldn't build a lousy raft

And while we're on the subject
I'll tell you one thing for sure
Those homeboys brought an awful lot
For just a three hour tour

Then her mom came in the room
It was kind of embarrasing
She said, Hey you two, I was once like you
And I loved that Gilligan's Isle thing

Isle thing
She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please

Skipper's in a hammock
He's looking kinda fat
He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit
Old Gilligan with his hat

Mrs. Hal had it goin' on
But Mr. Hal was meaner
Ginger and Mary Anne could've used
Some funky cold medina (?)

I was really diggin' this show
I didn't know what to do
It kinda looked like I was hooked
Now I'm an addict too

I know each episode by heart
Now I'm the rerun king
And on every date we both stay up late
And we watch the Gilligan's Isle thing

Isle thing
Hasta la vista, little buddy
Gilligan's Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing

It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah

What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' Me too! like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?

Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says Etch-A-Sketch on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?