Good morning students and faculty,
If I could have your attention please.
As you may, or may not know,
Principal Cambell will not be here for the rest of the week due to a throat infection.
Leaving me, assistant principal Dunbar,
as the school's lone administrator for the next few days.

Though the policies set forth by Principal Cambell will remain the same,
there will be some additional regulations you must also follow.

Number one -
smoking outside the administration building will only be allowed during lunch periods.

Number two -
the girls' showering facilities will be moved from the locker room into my inner office where I can watch the girls wash their breasts and buttocks while I play with myself.

Number three -
while showering, none of the girls will be allowed to snicker or laugh at the size of my genitalia.
Eye contact with me is also prohibited.

Number four -
girls are encouraged to wash each other freely as I build towards orgasm.

Number five -
while i am ejaculating, the boys gymnastic team must undress each other
spread eagle in front of me and satify each other orally until I have completed ejaculating.

Finally, rule number six -
any student caught writing grafitti or defacing school property will be automatically suspended,
unless they are masturbating.

If you have any questions about these new regulations,
I will be in my office spanking it with a thumb up my ass.

Good day

Put your arms around me baby
Can't you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I'm about to begin
Lovin' you

Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off

You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
Whoa darlin'
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with

Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off

Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I'm about to blow my load
You tell me it's time to make love
But now I can't
'Cause I spewed all over myself
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin' you
I'm so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Maybe next time I'll be better at lovin' you

Why don't you pick up after your done?
I'm not your slave
I'm not your mother
I'm not your maid
I mean I've got a life too
So fuck you!

Why can't you be nicer to my friend?
They're gonna be here soon
Last time they were here
You just sat in the bedroom
Friday you went out with your fat friend Lou
Fuck you!

Why don't you ever ask about my Chinese cooking class?
I only took it 'cause you like moo shu
Fuck you!

I'm sorry honey, about the way I've been acting lately
Fuck you!

Don't be like that, we'll visit your mom when I get some time off
Fuck you!

I had the beer at work, for God's sake
Fuck you!

By the way, would it be cool to go golfing tommorrow?
Fuck you!

I was just kidding, I wanna hang out with you
Why don't you ever take me to a play?
Or a museum?
There's an art gallery two blocks away
And we've never been there
We always do what you wanna do
Fuck you!

You didn't notice
I got new throw pillows for the sofa
You didn't notice I had the kitched painted blue
Why don't you notice all those guys looking at me?
You take me for granted
Do you know there's a guy at work that always asks me out to lunch?
I always try to look my best and you should too
Fuck you!

Why won't I ever get out of this relationship?
You're such a jerk
The only thing you do right is
Tell me that you love me
Well, I guess I love you too
But fuck you!
Seriously

Next stop! Coopersville!


Hey Buddy
Buddy!
How was the bathroom Buddy, pretty gruesome?
Buddy, I had to hold my breath Buddy!
Eheh Buddy, don't even tell me about it Buddy!
Buddy I know.
Buddy, M&M's?
Chocolate me, Buddy!... Tasty Buddy!
Buddy definitely
Hey get in on this drink Buddy!
Buddy, don't mind if I do
It's a bloody, Buddy
Buddy, it's killer!
BUDDY!
Sorry Buddy
Save me some Buddy!
Buddy I said I was sorry!
That's ok Buddy


Hey Dude!
Hey Buddy!
Dudes, you know this dude?
What's up Dude?
Hey Buddy
Buddy, sit down
Have some bloody Buddy
Dude
Dudes, here's a sixer, Budweiser time
Yeah, Bud Buddy
Yeah Dude
Cold ones Dude
Buddy, killer!

I'm buzzing Buddy!
Dude, I know!

Oh Dude, check it, she's killer!
I want some of that Buddy
Oh Buddy, save some for me
Dude, that's my ex-girlfriend
Oh, sorry Buddy
Just watch it Dude!
Hey lay off him Buddy
Dude, don't get him started
I said I was sorry Buddy
Dude, let's just drop it
Buddy?
It's cool Dude


Hey Homey's
What's up Homeys?
Hey Buddy
What's up Dude?
Just chillin' Homey
Cool Buddy
Yeah Dude
Buddy
Homey
Dude
Homey
Dude
Buddy
Dude, check it out, a prison
Oh Buddy, imagine being stuck in there
I know Dude, that would suck
Homey, my brother is in there
Oh Buddy
Sorry about that Dude
Bummer Buddy
Bad timing Homey
I know Buddy
Sorry Dude
Not your fault Homey
I know, but Buddy
No, it's cool Homey

Dude, there's another train on this track

Uh Buddy, it's coming at us

Dude!
Homey!
Buddy!
Buddy!
Homey!
DUDE!


Dude?
Buddy, my head
Homey, get off me
Buddy, I can't see
What just happened to us Dude?
Homey, I told you, we should have taken the bus!

When I was a boy
There was no limit to what I could eat
Shake after shake after shake after shake
Followed by all kinds of red meat
Metabolism runnin' around so fast
My body never gained to weight
That pissed off all my Momma's friends
And made my big-boned sister irate
But now I'm a man
And all that frolicking has caused my ego to hurt
'Cause even when I'm in the shower alone
I'm to embarrased to remove my shirt

What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them cookies I been munching lately
My feets are becoming difficult to see

I believe it was my Daddy
Who led me to this eating disease
By calling me The Little Candy Ass
When I couldn't finish a burger with cheese
Or maybe it was my Momma
Who got me addicted to all the wrong foods
Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet
Would I get to see Momma's good moods
They said eat this, they said eat that
To stay skinny there was no chance
And now when I walk I hear corduroy
Even though I ain't wearing pants

What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all that ice cream I been eating lately
My chins alone weight 203

The diet starts tomorrow!
I have a grapefruit for breakfast
For lunch a bown of white rice
Dinnertime it's a saltless potato
I ain't allowed no spice
If this diet's gonna work
Tonight I can't eat no more
Just go to sleep, I say to myself
As I close the bedroom door
Two in the morning, I wake up to piss
My belly's hungry and achin'
Tiptoe to the kitchen, fuck the diet
Bring on the chips flavored with bacon

What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them crumb-cakes I been eating lately

[Adam:] You don't mind that I think everybody's a robot and all my conversations are being recorded
[Lisa:] And you don't mind that all of my pants are way too short on me
and I also stabbed someone with a pair of scissors a long time ago (ha-ha-ha)
[Adam:] And you don't care that I collect dead animals from the side
of the road then pretend they're alive and think I'm a famous football player
[Lisa:] And you don't have a problem with me
when I follow people I've never met before and force them to look
at the portrait of Neil Diamond I have tattooed on my back
[Adam:] It's very pretty, baby

Well you must have been sent from above
You're all that I can think of
You're just as psychotic as me
My crazy love
[Adam:] Well it never bothers you when I wear my snowsuit
to bed every night and I make you speak in tongues to me until I fall asleep
[Lisa:] Blah bloo blah bloo bloo
[Adam:] Thank you
[Lisa:] And you don't make fun of me 'cause I still make out
with my stepfather and I also tell everyone I was on a UFO
for two and a half years
[Adam:] I believe you sugarpie

'Cause our love is right on track
I'm yours, your mine it's a fact
Don't forget to take your Prozac
My crazy love
[Adam:] Well yesterday I tickled a man who wasn't even there
[Lisa:] Oh three days before that I ran down the street in my
Wonder Woman underwear
[Adam:] I didn't care Babe I know I never had a job 'cause I'm afraid
to talk to people 'cause I know that they're all robots who are seeking information
[Lisa:] They can't fool you sweetheart
And I know that you know that I'm the one who burned my cousin
Chester's house to the ground but you told the cops we were out
ballroom dancing when the came and questioned you
[Adam:] I ain't no fink, dollface

'Cause we know that it's true
Only I could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love
[Lisa:] My crazy, crazy love

[Adam:] Oh I wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
[Lisa:] I feel the same way Would you throw some macaroni on me?
[Adam:] Oh yeah, here you go

When I was a young man
I didn't like to dance
I was shy
I'd stand against the wall all night
I'd never take a chance
So afraid
I wouldn't get on that dance floor
Unless I was really drunk
10 shots

But I found a place where the stars hang out
And they taught me how to funk
Real nasty
It ain't too far away
It's just on the edge of town
Nearby
But be ready when you get there
'Cause these folks don't fuck around

You can
Rub your belly with Liza Minelli
Covered in jelly, you're gonna rub your belly
Jiggle your droopy balls with singin' Lou Rawis
Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls
Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS
Lick your lips
Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen
It's fucking obscense
Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White
You'll see the light when your sphincter's tight

If you don't know how to move
Just feel the groove
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Spin like a little girl
With cross-dressing Milton Berle
Just give it a whirl, pretend you're a little girl
Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino
Wave your weeno, even more obsceno
Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink
Piss in the sink
Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif
What a relief
Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel
Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell

Then spew all over the room
With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Mr. Belvedere
Fatty Fatty
Finger in his own rear
Bernard King
Basketball, basketball
Showing off his ding-a-ling
Swimming Mark Spitz
Moustache, moustache
Playing with his hairy tits

Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver
Both of them got the boogie fever
Shit your pants
You can
Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell
Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle
Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass
Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass
Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore
Pump it sore
Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple
Drink some Ripple
Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback
When you give it a whack, don't hurt the nut-sack

So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down
Come to the funkiest place in town
The stars will show you how to move
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Jabawokee ding dong slip slap slee
Dipstick paddywhack pee pee googalee gee
Polly wolly sling slang skooey dibbely doo
Wing wong ping pong king kong Cheech 'n Chong hop hip kagagoogoo

Hickory dickory slickory flip flap dip skip to my lou
Flim flam wham blam Sam bam Cunningham whack snack koochie koochie koo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta eat Grandma's stroodle
'Cause she stayed up all night to make it from scratch
You gotta gish, you gotta gash, you gotta wax Grandma's mustache
And lay out here socks and make sure they match
Whoa, you gotta help out your Gram

Slappety dappety sling skism skasm bing bang boo
A yip, a yap, a snippety snap walla, walla scrappy dappy doo
Piddle paddle fiddle faddle widdle waddle awhee clunkety clang
A plop, a fizz, a whackety whiz, chitty chitty bang wang lang

Zippity doo dang lipidee ay oompa loompa doo
A piggly wiggly dooda stinky winky linky foo man choo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta shave Grandma's poodle
'Cause Grandma would do the same for you
You gotta libby, you gotta labby, you gotta hug Grandma even though she's flabby
'Cause you should know Grandmas are people too
Whoa, you gotta love your Gram

Now if you listened to the words of this song
You know they're coming straight from the heart
Never make fun of your Grandma
Even when she rips a juicy fart

And remember to dip, you gotta doodle
You gotta stop playing with your noodle
'Cause Grandma said it will make you go blind
You gotta gipper, you gotta giper, you gotta change Grandma's diaper
And then pretend that you really didn't mind
Whoa, respect to the Grandma

[M1:] Ms. Murphy is such a pain, man.
[M2:] We just had a test a week ago.
Now we gotta take another one tommorrow. This sucks!
[M1:] And it counts for 80 percent of our grade.
[M2:] Well we better study our butts off.
[M1:] Well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library.
[M2:] Ok, enough talking, let's study!
[M1:] All right.



[M2:] Uh oh
[M1:] Oh no! Fatty McGee is coming.
We'll never get any studying done with him in the library.

[M2:] Oh god, he's taking the stairs!
That means he's going to be way out of breath!


[M1:] Oh no, he's going to sit with us.
[Fatty: Annoying whining voice] Hey fellas, studying for the big test?
[M1:] Uh, yes Fatty, we were.
[Fatty: Still trying to catch breath] Great! I'll join ya.

[M2:] Hey Fatty, why don't you go to the bathroom 'till you catch your breath?
[Fatty:] No, no, I'm catching it!

[M1:] Ok, ok Fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we're trying to concentrate.
[Fatty: Continuing to wheeze and whine louder] Sure, no problem.
[M1:] Oh man.

This test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know.

[M1:] Yes Fatty, we know, we just said that.

[M2:] Fatty! Please keep it down!



[M2:] Is he sleeping!?
[M1:] No, it's his deviated sceptum.
Seriously Fatty, keep the breathing down.

[M2:] Ahh geez Fatty, what's wrong with you!?
[Fatty: Pausing, snorting] I'm trying.

[M1:] Fatty, you know what's going to happen!
Stop breathing so heavy! Please we gotta study!

[M2:] Oh no, that one's going to do it!


[M2:] Fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!
[Fatty: Continuing his LOUD annoying whine] I'm sorry!
[Fireman Ray:] Fire! Man the building!
[M1:] Sorry Fireman Ray, it's not the fire alarm.
[Fireman Ray:] Fatty McGee, is that you again!?

[Fireman Ray:] Didn't we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?
[Fatty: Whiney voice] But I like the stairs!
[Fireman Ray: annoyed] Why!?
[Fatty: Still whining horribly] They're fun!
[Fireman Ray:] Oh Fatty McGee, you're the fattest!

Ooooh yeah
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stew your tomato
Baby, baby, baby, I want to french fry your potato
Baby, baby, baby, won't you pluck my grapes
Won't you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes?
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Baby, baby, baby, you got honeydew melons
Baby, baby, baby, can't you see my brocolli swelin
Oh baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress
I wanna slip my celery stick up the back of your dress
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Oh what will it take
Don't go so soon
You'll miss my carrot cake
And my cream of mushroom

Oh baby, baby, baby, my jalapeno's red hot
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stuff all that cabbage you got
I'm your food innuendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh yeah
Oooooooh yeah

Oh baby, baby, baby, you got eggplant parmigiana
Baby, baby, baby, bite my zucchini if you wanna
I'll give you fresh fruit salad
I don't get it from no can
Your string bean days are over
I'm your cucumber man
I'm your food inunendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh so delicious

Hey
Why'd you wake me from my nap?
I'm not in the mood
To play your games
Or sit on your lap

You
Where's my Yankees drinking glass?
I want some juice
And I want it now
So you better move your ass
And feel bad for me
'Cuz I'm just getting over a cold

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Somebody better tie my shoes!

Now
I run down the hall
I scream and I yell
And I cry 'cuz I fell
Bring the rubbing alcohol

Outside
I get mud on my shoe
I come back in the house
I get it on the rug
The cleanging's up to you
And I won't take a bath
Unless you make me Spaghetti-O's

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Mommy reads to me at night
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Well
I can't have a job
And I can't go to school
If no grownups are around
I can't go near the pool
I'm not alowed to climb
My neighbor's apple tree
I'm not allowed to sit
Too close to the TV
I don't know how to drive
And I don't know how to spell
But if I hear my brother cursing
I do know how to tell
'Cuz he made me eat some bread
That was covered in mold

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I just threw up on my grandmother

Now don't leave us hanging with just that.


Yeah, I hear that, Arsenio.
Yo guys, lets kick it!




Yo now, before we start singing,
You also want to know in addition to writing our own songs,
we also do our own choreography.


Girl, I can't stop thinking of you girl,
Y-O-U, spells girl.
Woke up this morning, put on my own clothes,
cause the ladys' not here, to help us no more.
Went down to the store, I got myself some juice,
its tasted good and fresh and I love you.


Girl, you are wicked awesome.


I buttoned up my own shirt, whew!


Because, you girl...


Whenever I make my own plane reservations...


I think of you girl, cause girl you are wicked awesome!


My name is Donny, and I'm here to say
They call me Donny, cause that's my name.
Banana's are good in every way,
An apple a day, keeps the doctor away,
Purina Cat Chow -


Chow, chow, chow.


If my friends could only see me now,
I'm walking, I'm talking, McCauly Caukin,
Roger Clemmons was called for walking.
Word, Sister!


1, 2, Dosey dow, dosey dow.


You are... wicked awesome!


Peace.

[Billy Idol (Speaking):] Good afternoon everyone.
We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving
up to thirty thousand feet, and then we've got clear skies
all the way to Las Vegas, and right now we're bringin you some in-flight
entertainment. One of our first-class passengers has written a song
inspired by one of our coach passenger, and since we let our first-class
passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.


I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

[Sandler:] Hey man, I'm joining a religious cult.
[Allen:] Now, that's ridiculous.
[Sandler:] Well, I'm joining it, so you gotta sign up too.
[Allen:] What are you talking about?
[Sandler:] Hey, don't fuck me on this, man, just sign up.
[Allen:] No, I'm not going to join a cult!
[Sandler:] I can't believe you're pulling this shit on me after Monday night --
[Allen:] What?
[Sandler:] -- I wanted to watch Monday Night Football
and you wanted to watch that other show and we watched your show --
I did that for you!
[Allen:] Yeah, well, you kept flippin' back to the game.
[Sandler:] I WANTED TO SEE THE FUCKIN' SCORE!
Whadda you gotta do that's so fucking importnat you can't join the religious cult with me?
[Allen:] Well, I was gonna go sunbathing.
[Sandler:] Oh, boy, no no, I don't think you should do that.
Because this guy, Russell -- he's the leader-guy of the cult --
[Allen:] -- yeah --
[Sandler:] -- he was rambling on during one of the speeches
about the sun being bad, like the beast can't come out
because the sun's too bright and the sun hurts his eyes or something --
you show up all sunburned and that guy's gonna get pissed at you and me!
[Allen:] Well, I'm not in the cult, so I don't have to worry about pissing the leader guy off!
[Sandler:] Look, I'm -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult guy's been saying --
some of it makes a lot of sense!
[Allen:] Well, good, but I don't want to join the cult.
We can still hang out; I just won't be in it with you.
[Sandler:] The point is, I'm not gonna have time to hang out with you because I'm gonna be fuckin' busy with this fuckin' cult!
[Allen:] So I'll visit on weekends -- we'll work it out.
[Sandler:] No, the weekends are like the busiest time --
that's when we go to flea malls and fuckin' malls and talk people into joining, man!
[Allen:] Can I join for just a little while?
I told my dad I'd go visit him in Florida in three weeks.
[Sandler:] Well, just, we'll ask then, but we gotta join now.
[Allen:] What's the hurry?
[Sandler:] There's a girl I wanna meet there, what the fuck's your problem?
[Allen:] Well, I mean I don't really have to believe in this stuff, do I?
[Sandler:] No, no, just fuckin' tell everybody you believe in this shit -- when they say the sun sucks, go,
Yeah, fuck the sun, I fuckin' hate it too, long live the fuckin' beast.
[Allen:] I don't know, man. This is crazy.
[Sandler:] Look, they're gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you're gonna get food --
[Allen:] -- it's not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?
[Sandler:] It's gonna be a haircut, all right?
You said you need a haircut, they're gonna fuckin' cut your hair.
You're going in, saving twelve bucks, just fuckin' do it!
[Allen:] Do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?
[Sandler:] Yeah, sure, and if she doesn't, she'll go out and recruit one for you!
[Allen:] Well, all right. But, hey, if I don't like it, I'm going to escape, man.
[Sandler:] OK, that's up to you.



[Chanting repeatedly] The night time is the right time!
The night time is the right time!
[Sandler:] Hey buddy, are you glad you did this?
[Allen:] Oh, this is the best thing I ever did. Thank you.
[Sandler:] You're not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are you?
[Allen:] You know, it's like they said. It was the only way to save him.
[Sandler:] You're a good guy.
[Allen:] You're a better one.

Where's my Peggy Sue?
I could use a Rosalita
If there's a Long Tall Sally out there
I'm dyin' to meet her
Why can't I hear Beth callin' me?
Why can't I be the one to make Sara smile?
I wish I was arm in arm with Jean genie
Walkin' down the aisle

Oh yeah, all right

But I got no Mary Jane
There's no Sloopy or Dancin' Queen
I'm just a fool in the rain
Waitin' on my Billie Jean

I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue

Oh yeah, all right

Well, I never got to scream for a Layla
I never saw Mary-Anne walkin' away
I never danced on the sand with a Rio
Or woke up with a Maggie May

I dialed 867-5309
But there was no Jenny Jenny
Oh, why can't I get myself a brown-eyed girl
When Willie Nelson loved so many?

And why does Jack have Diane?
And why does Billy Joe have Bobbie Sue?
And everybody had Roxanne
Except you-know-who

I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue

Well I'd take any ol' Suzy Q
I got no reason to be picky
She can be a Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes
Or she can be my Darling Nikki

Oh, Brandy would be such a fine girl
And so would the sweet Judy Blue
I guess I sound just like that other fella
'Cause you know I wish I had Jessie's girl too

Oh yeah, all right

Well, I'd die for a kiss from Allison
Even though I know she'd break my heart
Or give me a Lo-lo-lo-lola
Minus the extra part

I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue

You know I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Well, I'd even take a Run-Around Sue

Oh yeah, all right

Put your arms around me babe,
Can't you see I need you so?
Hold me close against your skin,
'Cause I'm about to begin
Lovin' you.

Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace.
Play with my balls and tell me how big they are.
Honey rub your beaver up and down my face.
Now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off.

You see that shampoo bottle? Now, stick it up my ass.
Push it in and out at a medium pace.
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick and how big it was.
Now shave off my pubs and punch me in the face.

Darling, make me push my dick and balls back between my legs.
Call me an ugly woman and take my picture to show all the people
you work with.

Now pull up my scrotum and take that shampoo bottle out of my ass.
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy and watch me whack off.
Strap on a dildo and make me give you head.
Now tell me slow down and do it at a medium pace.

I feel so humiliated. I'm about to blow my load.
You tell it's time to make love but I can't 'cuz I spewed all over myself.
Then you look into my eyes, then you realize
How much I enjoy loving you. oh.
I'm so sorry I spunked all over my stomach.
Maybe next time I'll be better at loving you.

[M1:] Hey, it's great to have us all out on a road trip again this is gonna be fun

[M2:] Whoa,do you smell that skunk
[All:] Yeah
[M2:] You know, even though it stinks it kinda reminds me of growing up

[M3:] It kinda reminds me of smelling weed

[M1:] Hey, it reminds me of smelling a pussy

[M2:] It reminds me of smelling an ass

[M4:] It reminds me of smelling a 60 year old guys ass

[M4:] Hey, screw you guys I am who I am deal with it

[M1:] I'm glad we got rid of him his was a wierdo
[M3:] Oh my God, that was a little out there,
hey check out a water slide, man,
those things always remind me of my 13th birthday party, remember that

[M1:] Hey, it reminds me of that girl I met last year
who was a lifegaurd at one of those things, she was unbelievable

[M2:] Hey, it reminds me of that rich girl I went out with
and when her dad went out of town we fooled around in his jucuzzi

[M3:] It also reminds me of the time I saw a 60 year old guy slide down
one of those things and he was going
so fast his bathing suit fell off,
and I just stood there at his big beutiful hairy balls flopping around,
holy geez I wanted to lick em'

[M3:] I hate you guys, you tricked me into sayin' that

[M2:] I always knew that guy was a little wierd
[M1:] Hey, there's a pizza place it smells awesome
[M2:] It reminds me of the time I used to work in a pizza place
[M1:] It reminds me of my first date with this girl named Ginger,
I took her to a pizza place
[M2:] Hey, it also reminds me of the time I ate a slice of pizza,
and then went over to a 60 year old man's house and made him fuck me
in the ass in front of his kids

[M2: Hey don't get all hitey mitey he wanted me to do it

[M1:] Man they were all crazy, hey, what's that
[Cow:] Moo
[M1:] Oh my god, ahhhhhhhhhhh


Hey that last skit was written for a reason,
if any of your buddy's have fooled around with a 60 year old man,
don't throw them out of your car, or you will die,
now enjoy the rest of the album.

Schnine
He's a pretty good guy
He's nice to his neighbors
You can count on him to buy your school candy bars
He's a real nic guy
He's always got the jumper cables
He'll take your mail in when you're on vacation
He's a good-hearted man
Volunteers at the library
He'll help you find a book on whales
He's a thoughtfull man
Rememers your birthday
Says God bless you when you sneeze

But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
He'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

He's a friendly guy
He waves to all the joggers
Children use his backyard as a short-cut
He's a real sweet guy
He always recycles
Referees the Junior High basketball for no pay
He's a great, great man
He'll sign your petition
Then proceed to compliment your new haircut

But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
South of the boyda
He's wanted for moyda

Here he comes
Hey Larry, how ya doing?
How's the garden coming?
You know, it's interesting
I just read at the library
That you need to rotate the soil
To get real plump, read tomatoes
Oh, and one more thing
My hobby is moyda
Two, three, four
I'm a sick man
My hobby is moyda
My hobby is moyda
I'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda


I never loiter
After committing the doity deed of moyda
Only Sigmund Freuda
Knows why I cannot and will not stop committing moyda
Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder

I'm sitting in my chair watching the TV
It's not even on but there's plenty for me to see
I just lit some crazy ass shit
that my friend overnight mailed to me

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever tasted
I think they fucking laced it
Cause I'm so damn lambasted

Oh my friend came over so I packed him a pipe
I told him he better go easy with this shit but he didn't believe the hype
He sparked three bows just to show he could take it
Two minutes later he was playing backgammon naked

He's fucking wasted
It's the best shit he ever tasted
He's lost in fucking spaced-ed
Cause he's so wicked wicked wasted

Oh I spent the last two hours
hiding under my bed
Cause I looked in the garbage can
and I think I saw my Uncle Louie's head

I'm fucking wasted

Well my friend blew a hit into my pet bird's face
The bird laughed hysterically and started to moonwalk all over the place
He tripped over the toaster wire and fell on his beak
He looked at the two of us and he started to speak

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I've ever tasted
My brain's been erased-ed
Well fucking fried

I'm sitting in the bathtub wanting something to eat
I wanted a pizza the bird said Pepperoni would be sweet
Delivery guy showed up four hours later, handed me his shoe
I said we ordered pizza buddy, what the hell's up with you

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever fucking tasted
Oh fucking shit

I'm way too baked

[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!
[Student: Whispering] Hey Mr. Spindel. How's algebra class going?

[Mr Spindel:] Whut!?
[Student: Whispering] You're in for a big surprise tommorrow during 5th period!

[Mr Spindel:] Hey! Who is this!



[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!

[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!

[Mr Spindel:] Who is this!?

[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!

[Mr Spindel:] Answer me!

[Mr Spindel:] Who is this!?

[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!

[Mr Spindel:] For God's sake! Who are you!?

[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!

[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!



[Mr Spindel:] Who is that!?

[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!

[Mr Spindel:] Who are you!?

[Mr Spindel:] Please answer me!



[Mr Spindel:] Oh God! Who is this!?

[Mr Spindel:] Please stop it! Why are you doing this!?

[Mr Spindel:] WHY!? WHY!?

[Mr Spindel:] Just tell me your name.

[Mr Spindel:] Please.

[Mr Spindel:] I'm gonna hang up!

[Mr Spindel:] I'm warning you!

[Mr Spindel:] Hullo!

[Mr Spindel:] Whoever this is, I'm gonna hang up!

[Mr Spindel:] That's it!

[Mr Spindel:] Damn you kids!!

[Mr Spindel:] Damn you!!




[Mr Spindel:] Hullo?
[Ted:] Yeah, Bill.
[Mr Spindel:] Oh, TED!
[Ted:] I've been trying to get through to you forever.
Who have you been talking to?
[Mr Spindel:] I don't know. So help me God! I don't know!

When I'm feeling down
And feeling sad
You come around
And make me glad
I got you
Oh, my little chicken

I love your feet
I love your breasts
I love the way you eat gravel
To help you digest
Oh, my little chicken

People say you're using me
In your heart you're a killer
But I know the worst
I should fear is
A slight case of salmonella
So lie right back
Don't you cry
If an egg can fit in there
Why can't I.....mmmmmmm
Oh my little

Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk,
Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk

You're my love
My little chicken likes
To wear garter belts

Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'Cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(It's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'Cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'Cause my friend puked in the back
(It's a piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(He's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(Never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no CD player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(They can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear Hey, watch it asshole
(You fuckin' piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(He got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(Never gets him very far)

Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(Ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(What a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(He never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(Piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car

(You got a piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(Piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(You got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(Piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(You got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(Piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(You got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(Piece of shit car...)

6 What's the matter honey, are you not feeling well?
It's okay, Momma will take care of you
Not really sick, but don't you know I still say I am
Dad just mumbles, There goes my girlie son acting up again
How could you be my kid
Mom knows I'm faking it
But she understands what'll happen if I go
The last four days
The tough guys have been on a roll
They show him no mercy
Plenty of name calling
And pushing my head in the toilet bowl
They call him a loser
But they won't get their hands on me today
'Cuz home with Momma is where I'm gonna stay

We're pickin' daisies
Who cares about them anyway
Pickin' daisies
They'll all be working for you someday
Pickin' daisies
They're just jealous of you
Pickin' daisies
Next year you'll go to private school

Can't play sports or games
I'm only really good at reading
He can't catch a football
Apparently that's not too cool
That's why my nose is usually bleeding
Plus they give him fat lips
At this time yesterday, my underwear was over my head
But I'll be safe today, I know 'cuz Momma said

We're pickin' daisies
Who really cares what they think
Pickin' daisies
You should talk about it with your shrink
Pickin' daisies
They'll all end up in jail
Pickin' daisies
Marshall's is having a sale

I know tommorrow it'll all start up again
He'll be greeted with a head-lock
And all I can do is sit and pray for the weekend
But I know when I'm older
I'll look back and laugh
At all those kids who pulled my pants down
And took that photograph
'Cuz we'll be through with kickball
We'll all be weak and slow
But I will be the only one
With a magic place to go

Pickin' daisies
You're better off in the end
Pickin' daisies
Who cares, I'll be your friend
Pickin' daisies
You can always count on me
Pickin' daisies
I made you some iced tea
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
You are too very handsome, just not in a traditional way
When I was a kid, we didn't have video games, we had pinball, but I could learn
Well, they're just upset that they don't have earmuffs
You can come to aerobics class with me and wathc, all the ladies love you
Who needs brand name shirts? Yours is the same thing without a fancy tag
Why don't you go to sleep? And when you wake up, then I'll play you the Eddie Fisher record

My mom bought you when I was just 13,
the brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn't grow out,
That's too big for you! the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn't quit,
and now the children say, What a perfect fit.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.

I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch,
it makes them feel comfy like a big soft couch.
And I don't care if the weather's no good,
I say See you later rain as I pull up my hood.
Remember that long bus trip when I needed a nap?,
I used you as a pillow on that Spanish lady's lap.
I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.

Oh what is it about you that makes me so jolly?,
Is it your fifty cotton or your fifty poly?

I don't knoooooooww
ohh ohh hoo hoo hoo.

Oh red hooded sweatshirt we been through a lot together
like that time I played in that shirts
and skins basketball game and I had to take you off
and throw you in the corner of the gym.
I was midway through the game and then I saw you looking at me.
You were staring as if to say
Adam, you suck at basketball, you dribble like a damn woman.
I was so mad I challenged you to a game of one on one
and you know sweatshirt, even though I beat you 11 to 9,
deep in my soul I know you missed those lay-ups on purpose.
You let me win and that why I'll forever feel this way.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.

Come on audience members, help me out here.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ling dong
sweeeeatshirt.

I love you sooooooooooo.

Happy Valentine's Everybody!

[Russel: Shouting] Come on Robert! Pitch it in there, baby!
We're behind you here in right field! One down!
Two to go! Hum it now! Yeah! Show 'em the magic! This chump can't hit!
[Whispering to himself] Please God, don't help him hit it to me.
Anywhere but to right field. Please God, I bet you.
[Shouting] Come on now! No batter! No batter! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!
[Whispering] Oh please, don't let him hit it to me. My God, not to me.
[Shouting] Steam it baby! Steam it!
[Whispering] Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no.


[Russel: Shouting] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Whispering] Oh good! It's not to me.
[Shouting] Good catch, Steven! Nice glove!
You da man! Two away now! Lookin' good!
We're all looking good out here! Come on Robert!
This lump of crap can't hit!
[Whiserping] Oh God, he's a leftie! A big leftie!
Total power to hit it. He's gonna pile it right to me and there's nothing I can do to stop him.
[Shouting] Pitch 'em the funny one, Robert! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!
[Whispering] Oh he is a natural athlete and I am so worthless.
Please God, take his life. Make him die.
[Shouting] No batter! No batter!


[Russel: Whispering] Oh God. This is not happening.
No, don't do this to me. Please. Make it stop.

[Russel:] OWWWW! My elbow!
[M1:] Throw it to second! Pick it up already!
[Russel:] Take it! Just take the ball!

[M2:] Nice throw, you pansy!
[Russel: Whispering] Ok, get under control.
Easy now, easy. Say something to the team.
[Shouting] Good hussle everybody! Yeah! Nice work! Play's at third!
[Whispering] That wasn't funny, Lord. I've been so good and for what!?
[Shouting] Come on, Robert! Settle down! Just throw straight!
You get it across the plate! We'll take care of the rest!
[Whispering] Oh no, another lefty.


[Russel: Shouting] NOO! Why me again!?

[Russel:] OWWWW! My neck!
[Panting & Whining] I can't breath. I can't breath.
[M2:] Pick it up and throw it, you moron!
[Russel: Whining] Here..come on, here.. Take the ball! Take it!

[M1:] Way to kick it in, Pele!
[Russel: Shouting] Oh hahaha. Pele! Good one! Hehehe..
Ok! Come on! Suck it up guys! We'll get those runs back!
This is where we dig down!
We just need one more out!
[Whispering] Oh look! A rightie! Oh Lord, thank you. Thank you so much. I owe you.
[Shouting] This loser can't hit! No batter! Come on, this is where we take them out!
[Whispering] Uh oh, what's happening? Where's the rightie going? What?
Who's this guy? He's a leftie and he's pinch hitting. No! No!
[Shouting] Why's he pointing at me!?


[Russel: Shouting] Oh my Lord! What have I done to deserve this?!
[M3:] I got it! I got it!


[M3:] Whoa! Sorry about that, Russel. Are you ok?
[Russel: Shouting] HELL YEAH! We're up now! It's our turn to kick a little ass!
[M3:] All right, Russel. I think you're up first.
[Russel:] NOOOOO!!

So many presents,
so little time,
Santa won't be coming around my house this year,
'cos I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear,
Oh mama made it perfectly clear,
Santa don't like bad boys...especially Jewish ones.

Gnip-gnop and lego blocks are all that I desire,
so why did I have to set the pizza guy's hair on fire,
I told him I was sorry,
I'm a liar,
so no toys for me...I don't deserve them.

I couldn't wait for a big wheel as the holiday neared,
but then I told my grandma that she had a beard.

Dear Santa,

I know what my problem is, why I can't be good, it's a fear of intimacy.
You see my whole life whenever I've met someone really great like you and
I keep feeling like I'm getting close to them, something inside me makes
me want to screw it up. So in a weird way the reason I'm so bad is because
I love you santa.

Rock-em Sock-em Robots is what I was hoping for,
but then I made a death threat to vice president Gore,
oh santa won't be knocking on my door,
'cos he's a big fat whore...what made me say that?

Chutes and ladders would be so good indeed,
so why'd I have to sell that cop a bag of weed,
so Santa please give me that easy bake oven,
I swear I thought billy goats we're made for lovin'.

So Santa won't you accept my apologies,
Santa can't you see I'm begging you please,
oh Santa next year I'll do you right,
Live from New York it's Saturday night...

Ok, I just want to warn you that when I wrote this song I was listening to the
Cure a lot.


You don't know how much I need you.
While you're around I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss I know that you need me too.
I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true.

But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddam joke.
And when I think of you Linda,
I hope you fucking choke.

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.

Oh somebody kill me please,
somebody kill me plee-ase,
I'm on my knees,
pretty pretty please kill me.

I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.


[Kid:] You're going to the mental institution.

- Polychronopolous

I'm a big fuckin' dick
I'm a pain in your ass
I drink all your beer
I'll eat the last slice
I'll give you charley horses
I'll pull your shorts down at the beach
I always need a ride
Nobody likes me

My name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

I spit when I talk
I swear in front of your mother
I throw shit at the movies
I wear tight pants
I ask you to buy an extra Yankee ticket
And then I don't show
I tell you I saw your girlfriend
Fucking two guys at a party

'Cause my name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

I'll piss on your toilet seat and tell your dad you got stoned
I'll borrow your jacket and never think of returning it

Polychronopolous
Pansy
Pussy
Shit for brains
Douchebag

I'll leave your gate open
So your dog runs away
I'll make fun of your pimple
Then I'll grab your sister's ass

'Cause my name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

And I don't care
And I don't give a shit

I'll break your brother's stereo
And then tell him it was you
You think you're better than me
Well you're fucking wrong

Everybody knows I'm Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

Deal with it

Hanging with my sweet amour
She came out with a lion's roar
Yelling, I'm going to the corner store,
Be back at quarter to four
Don't slam your pinkies in the drawer
She can be like a maiden from the days of yore
Hanging out at Studio 54
Break dancing on the slick brick disco floor
With Lionel Richie
Who, by the way, was a Commodore
One time she gave mouth-to-mouth to a snaggle tooth boar
Who couldn't breat right since the Vietnam War
Then she played Chinese Checkers with Skeletor
And went camping with Eva Gabor

She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home

I got a picture of her down by the seashore
Wearing a bikini made of purple velour
Her hair's up like Conway Twitty's pompadour
With the smile of Guy LeFleur
She got the ups and downs like an elevator
But deep inside she's a marshmellow smore
Can bake a cake as big as Jupitor
Either or, Neithor nor
She'll share it with your Labrador
She can run faster than a blazing meteor
Loves Winnie the Pooh and his friend Eeyore
Can make a pipe out of an apple core
That's a trick she learned from Roberto Parrish
Down in Ecuador
You know why?

She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home

Well, for sure she opened the door
Whipped out a 3-ft fishing lure
Sexually, that made me insecure
Like the time I was a roadie
On Elton John's tour
She said, Let's go catch some Piscatore!
I said, Beatrice, you don't eat fish no more.
She said, By God, you're right!
So we took ourselves a snore
And when we woke up 10 hours later
We made Love Du Jour

She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she came home

She likes to clean out the attic every now and then
She's gonna knit me a brand new golfing bag
We gonna watch ourselves a John Wayne movie
Then we gonna free all the doggies at the kennel
She gonna try on my third grade mittens
She'll keep 'em on even though they're way too small
Well, she ain't never gonna hurt me
She ain't never gonna let me down
She ain't never gonna tell nobody
I'm afraid of birds and spiders

Well, Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
And she loves Pat Summerall

[Richie:] So ya doin' good?
[Samantha:] Ya, I'm fine, how 'bout you?
[Richie:] How good could I be? I haven't seen you in three hours.
[Samantha:] Ohhh, Richie. Hey Richie, my dad's down the hall,
and he doesn't want me on the phone.
So if I hang up on you, it's just because he's coming.
[Richie:] Ok. So look, uh, do you wanna meet at the Spring Fling Dance thi...



[Richie:] Hello?
[Samantha:] Sorry, I thought he was coming.
[Richie:] That's ok. So, about the dance. Do you wanna meet
[Samantha:] Umm, well my brother gets the car on Friday nights.
[Richie:] Well that's ok, I'll come by and get you. Lets say around...

[Richie:] Come on..


[Richie:] Hey.
[Samantha:] Sorry. I guess he was just going to the bathroom.
[Richie:] That's ok. Well look, uh.. what was I saying?
Oh yeah, should I pick you up at like seven-thirty
or maybe do you wanna go later when the dance is really kickin..

[Richie:] Give me a break...


[Richie:] Hello.
[Samantha:] Sorry. It was just my dog.
[Richie:] Hey, what's your dad's problem anyways!? Why can't we talk?
[Samantha:] He just thinks I'm on the phone too much.
Oh my God, uh, I gotta go.
[Richie:] Don't hang up!
[Samantha:] Richie, I can't talk!
[Richie:] No, I'm sick of this! Put your dad on the phone! I wanna talk to him.
[Samantha:] It's not my dad.
[Richie:] What? Well, who's there? Why can't you talk?
[Samantha:] Uh, just look Richie, someone is here.
[Richie:] Who's there? Is it a guy!?
[Samantha:] Richie!
[Richie:] I knew it! I'll kill him! Put him on the phone!
[Samantha:] oh.. it's just.. hold on.


[Richie:] Hey man! What the hell are you doing there!? Samantha's my girl!
You'd better stay away from her or I'll make you wish you were never born!
[Buffoon:] Fuckin' shit!
[Richie:] Yeah, fuckin' shit is right buddy!
Don't think I'm kidding around, man! I'm crazy! I'll smash your head in! I swear to God!
[Buffoon:] One time I saw my Grandmother in the shower. Her bush starts above her belly button.
[Richie:] Yeah, well that's too bad! But I'm still gonna come over there and beat your face in!


[Samantha: What happened? Was he mad?
[Buffoon: My neighbor's dog has a four inch clit!
[Samantha: Oh Buffoon, you're the coolest. [Whispering] I love you...

And now a cow at bat in the bottom of the 6th inning
of a little league game getting hit by a pitch


[Cow:] Moo

And now a cow who goes skydiving for the very first time,
and thinks his parachute isn't gonna open when it finnally does 40 feet from the ground


[M1:] Alright cow, don't even think about just jump and enjoy the ride down,
quit being a pansy and do it
[Cow:] Moo

[Cow:] Moo,mrr

[Cow:] Moow


And now a cow who goes to the chicken hot drivethru
and then gets halfway home before realising they forgot his french fries


[Cow:] Moo,moo

[Cow:] Mrr

And now a cow winning first prise in the bellyflop contest at spring break
and then realises he can't swim


[Cow:] Moo

[Cow:] Mrr,mrr


And now a club gets a dance at a classy strip club,
when a bouncer notices he doesn't have any shoes on

[F1:] Ohh baby you like it when I dance with you
[Cow:] Moo
[F1:] Uh uh uh, you can't touch that
[Cow:] Moo
[Bouncer:] Keep your hands off the girl
[Cow:] Moo
[Bouncer:] Hey cow, you got no shoes on you gotta leave
[Cow:] Moo
[M2:] Hey watch it cow

And now a cow playing tennis against farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle
when the farmer makes an obvious bad call


[Farmer:] That was out
[Cow:] Moo
[Farmer:] Don't tell me it wasn't cause I saw it and that was out
[Cow:] Moo
[Farmer:] By at least 3 feet that's how far, come in look there is still a mark where it's out
[Cow:] Moo
[Farmer:] Don't tell that was from an old ball, that was this ball and this ball was out
[Cow:] Mrr
[Farmer:] You cannot see from that angle
[Cow:] Moo

And now a cow recieves a phone call who he thinks is
from a famous actor but he soon finds out it's just a practical joke


[Farmer:] Hello may I speak to the cow
[Cow:] Moo
[Farmer:] Hi, I'm a famous actor
[Cow:] Moo
[Farmer:] Oh, thank you very much,
I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me
[Cow:] Moo
[Farmer:] Why don't I make reservations?
[Cow:] Moo
[Farmer:] And why don't I tell you my real name?
farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle
[Cow:] Mrr
[Farmer:] Take that fatty
[Cow:] Mrr


And now a cow gets his revenge on farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle


[Farmer:] Pull over, pull the vehicle to the side of the road, I am warning you for the last time.

[Farmer:] Oooh
[Cow:] Mooooooooooooo

And now, the sever beating of a high school bus driver.


How are ya, Bryan?
Good morning, Lisa.
Good to see ya, Tommy!
Hey, good morning, Cyle! Nice new backpack!
Watch your step now, Joseph.

Uhh, young man. Can I help you? Can I see your bus pass, please?

Sir, please!

I drive with that hand!

Children! Call for help!

Holy geez, no!

That's me! Oh yes, oh!

And now, the sever beating of a high school janitor.


Mop, mop, mop
All day long
Mop, mop, mop
While I sing this song


Gonna wax the floor
Gonna make it shine
Gonna take of the spray paint
With turpentine

Hey! Don't walk there! I just mopped!


Hey!

Get offa me!

That's my bucket!

Let go of my side burns!

And now the severe beating of a high school science teacher.


Zinc is by far the best element.
I also like plutonium.
It's just fun to say.
Plutonium.

How's your plutonium?
Good, thank you.

Excuse me!
Hello! The office is closed. So, if you wouldn't mind,.. Sir, what are you doing?
Hey! Get off of me!

You're breaking the beakers!

Those are my best goggles!

And now the severe beating of a high school spanish teacher.



Juan es muy guapo.


Hola.
Senor?
Hay problema?
Mi casa es su casa.


Ayuda! Ayudame!

Ayudame!

Bibliotecha!

No!

And now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college.

[Dean:] Well Michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations
on your upcoming graduation and I understand
you are interested in matriculating here in the fall.

[Buffoon:] I got a snake, man!

[Dean:] Yes, pets are welcome here on campus.
Be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile.

[Buffoon:] One time I fed it some beer man! It was slithering this way and that!
It was all fucked up!

[Dean:] I'm sure it was.
Well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students
and pets here on campus.

[Buffoon:] Fuckin' Shit!

[Dean:] Yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy.
So tell me a little bit more about your background.

[Buffoon:] My father's a fucking asshole, man!

[Dean:] Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age son.

[Buffoon:] My mother's a piece of shit too!

[Dean:] Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility
over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed
and ready to learn.

[Buffoon:] My teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man!
She had her head way up her ass!

[Dean:] Well the quality of the faculty at a University
such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school.

[Buffoon:] Your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!

[Dean:] Yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success.

[Buffoon:] I had diarhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!

[Dean:] Uh huh, Well we all get the occasional stomach bug,
never a pleasurable experience.
So have you given any thought to your choice of major?

[Buffoon:] I've got a big fucking boner right now.

[Dean:] I see. Well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods
of nervous tension. I do not take offense.

[Buffoon:] One time I ate my neighbors shit!

[Dean:] That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you.
We'll be sending you our decision by the end of the month.

[Buffoon:] I bet you got really hairy balls.

[Dean:] Yes, it's a veritable forest down there. Bye bye.

And now the buffoon's date at the drive-in with the school's valedictorian.

[Valedictorian:] I really appreciate you're asking me out.
Most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement.

[Buffoon:] This movie sucks shit!

[Valedictorian:] Well, Ebel gave it thumbs up,
but Ciscel thought it was too preachy.
Anyway, I enjoyed the director's last film immensly.

[Buffoon:] Cathleen Turner has big fuckin' tits!

[Valedictorian:] Yes, well, she recently had a child.
I think her maternal biology may play a role in that.
She looks fabulous for a woman her age, doesn't she?

[Buffoon:] I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fuckin' head off.

[Valedictorian:] Well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon
for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their maturing process.

[Buffoon:] That girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head.

[Valedictorian:] Well, I guess she's strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it.


[Buffoon:] This popcorn's fuckin' terrible. It tastes like someone jizzed all over it.


[Valedictorian:] Well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing.
Perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome
by the monotony of their work and decided to play a childish prank.

[Buffoon:] I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. It blew my fuckin' mind!

[Valedictorian:] It's ironic that parts of one's body seems odd
and unusual because you don't see them on a day to day basis.

[Buffoon:] My father's shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin' day!

[Valedictorian:] It's puzzling why one person's fecal odor can be more overpowering than another's.
I wonder whether it is a function of the food digested or that person's internal metabolism.

[Buffoon:] I'm gonna go get head from that fuckin' girl.


[Valedictorian:] Well, I'm sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt conclusion.

I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future rondevue.

[Buffoon:] I like to piss in that guy's fuckin' gas tank!

[Valedictorian:] Bye bye! Have fun.

Okay...
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..
not too many Chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear
any Chanukah songs.
Here we go...

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

You don't need Deck The Halls or Jingle Bell Rock
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
Happy Chanukah

Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a draydle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real

Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo

Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time for Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So get your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!

Ok you guys, let's hear some spirit!

[Cheerleader:] United, we are united.. We'll be 'cause we're the
Tigers, we're out for vic-tor-y - Yeah!

[Cheerleader:] Come on you guys! I wanna hear you!

[Cheerleader:] Come on! The girls volleyball team's got a big game tonight!
And we're gonna win 'cause we're the -
[Guy in crowd:] Sit down!

You think this is easy being a cheerleader!?
Let's see you come down here and try it!
[Guy:] Shut up!
[Cheerleader:] You're the one who should be shutting up!
This is my senior year of cheerleading and you're ruining it!
I paid for my pom-poms with my own money. [Half-crying]
[Guy:] You suck!
[Cheerleader: Hurt] I was gonna do a split for you guys,
but now I'm not gonna cuz you guys don't appreciate anything.

[Cheerleader:] Owwww! Who threw that!?
I'm gonna get a bruise now! I hate my school! [Whining]

[Guy:] We're sorry.

[Guy:] Just kidding, you suck!
[Cheerleader: Half-crying] Ahhaw..No...

[Adam:] And the now the excited southerner orders a meal at his favorite
diner.

[Waiter:] Hi, what can I get you today?

[Excited Southerner:] Hi, how are you...I was...if you could, tell me, if you...eh,
the chef salad, if it, does it come, if you come... a la carte, if you see the...I
saw the breakfast menu and the, and they got the, and the different entrees
with the dspe-dspe-dspe-dspecials today, and the the and...I'm watching my
weight...diabetic, with the low sodium...if you could broil...i-i-i-instead
of fried, I ya, just, hash browns...I wanted to mix the ketchup with the
may-mayonaise, make my own sauce, if that's, could bring out a separate
plate for that with the chicken, your chicken fried steak...the blue plate
special, does that come with the soup of the day, or-

[Waiter:] I'll come back when you're ready.

[Excited Southerner:] Hoooo...

And now the Excited Southerner proposes to a girl.

[Girl:] You wanted to ask me something?
[Excited Southerner:] Yes, I did. I - first of all I just wanted to say that you're --
very pretty girl, and I, I -- hoo --
you'the -- we've known each other for so long now,
and-uh, it's about time that the two of us --
we're both getting older right now, and-uh, and I don't want to die alone, I --
tell you that much -- hoo --
getting ahead of myself --
got ta slow down, hoo-hoo, concentrate on what I'm trying to get across
to you right now, hoo, I mean,
whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-willing to be a house husband,
you don't have to qu-qu-qu-qu-quit your job there,
there, I'm, I'm, the-, I'm, I'm -- hoo, honeymoon in the Poconos, with the --
hoo, woo hoo -- sex optional --
you don't have to do what you don't want to do, hoo hoo hoo hoo,
someday you're going to love me, and that -- that's fi--
til death do us part I,
we'll get the chocolate cake and the sunrise and the sunset --
no prenuptial agree --
[Girl:] Look, are you trying to ask me to marry you?
Because I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment.
[Excited Southerner:] Coooooo.

I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage

And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe

Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea
I said, Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy

So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
A talking goat! he exclaimed,
She'd never seen this in her life
I felt so special!

Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he fucks me better
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief

To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, Send me back to the hills of Europe!
He just shook his head and said, Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope.

Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw

At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet

But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music made me lose control

The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goat-ass!

Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot

Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!

They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead fucking goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see

The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!

The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
Goat, you broke the sacred law
No! Please! Sorry! Shit!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your fucking jaw!
Super! Great! Okay!

Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend

I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk, he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my tailbone
And I'll probably never walk straight again

I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock

He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck

Goodnight, Old Man!
Yeah, goodnight Goat!

[Dr. Stewart:] Hi, [I'm] Dr. Stewart.
[Gary Phelps:] Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I'm Gary Phelps.
[Dr. Stewart:] My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
[Gary Phelps:] No, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
[Gary Phelps:] To be honest with you,
I saw your name in the Yellow Pages,
and It said you're good at this stuff, so I just,
I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
[Dr. Stewart:] So smoking is your problem?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's --
it's finally, like, affecting everything I do,
I can't run, I can't play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I,
I gotta give it up.
[Dr. Stewart:] How long have you smoked, Gary?
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can't kick it, you know?


All right, Gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax --
what I do is hypnosis.
[Gary Phelps:] Right.
[Dr. Stewart:] Basically I just want you to sit back and relax --
let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and ,
um, just feel comfortable and trust me.


[Gary Phelps: noticing fart sound] Uh...
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it.
[Gary Phelps:] O-kay....
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it.
[Gary Phelps:] That was...o-kay...
[Dr. Stewart:] All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes,
and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing.
Okay? That's it. Now I'm gonna count backwards from five to zero --
[Gary Phelps:] Right.
[Dr. Stewart:] -- and I just want you to relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state of mind --
of subconsciousness -- you're very comfortable,
I'll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax,
and just think of nothing.

[Gary Phelps:] Are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
[Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Just concentrate now. That's it.
Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now.
We're very comfortable.
Five [small fart], we're thinking of nothing except being comfortable
and nothing's bothering us. Okay.
When I say the word relax, listen to me, you're sinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
[Dr. Stewart:] Please just try to relax; that wasn't me. Okay.
You're very stressed -- you're very stressed.
Okay, four, we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very comfortable,
you're very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...[fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
[Dr. Stewart:] That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's --
the vinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate.
Okay. And we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us,
nothing bothers us -- [several farts]
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe?
I'm just having a tough time concentrating --
[Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing
[fart and cough together] three, two, two --
[Gary Phelps:] I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that.
I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
[Dr. Stewart:] This is what I do. It's a counting-down thing.
We're relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go,
don't focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we're doing here.
Three, two, relax, relax, that's it, just relax [fart], we're relaxing now --
[Gary Phelps:] Okay -- you're gonna -- that one was --
it's getting a little irritating --
[Dr. Stewart:] Hang on just a second here.
Let me just step out a second here.
[Gary Phelps:] That'd be good.
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, and we're relaxing,
as I leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing,

[Gary Phelps:] Jesus...Oh my God.
[Dr. Stewart:] We're relaxing.

[Dr. Stewart:] Okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down,
we're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air.
Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out. [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'.
But okay, okay, fine, thank you.
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it, you're all right, everything's good.
All right, you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair,
we're relaxing, one [long fart], and we're coming down to zero and --
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
[Dr. Stewart:] No, no, that time that was you.
[Gary Phelps:] That wasn't me!

[Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's not worry about anything else that's going down --
[Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
[Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh [fart], we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and let's take a nice, deep breath --

[Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food --

[Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're relaxing --
that one probably squirted out a little into the pants,
but we'll just continue with thte floating [fart] --
yeah, that was definitely a squirt --
but here we go, one, zero, we are under.
Are you relaxed?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I'm under, I guess.
[Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, relaxing, relaxing.
You're under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore,
you will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll be breathing in nothing
but fresh air, and you will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't me,
it wasn't me farting [fart] -- that was not me --

You're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It's just very hard for me to listen to you when you're --
[Dr. Stewart:] You're floating now, you're high above, you're looking down,
nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh man...
[Dr. Stewart:] -- that was you,
[Gary Phelps:] That was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
[Dr. Stewart:] That was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry, she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I'm perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. And let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here. No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig.
[Gary Phelps:] What?

All right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
[Gary Phelps:] OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want to smoke...
[Dr. Stewart:] Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five,
you will snap out of this, and you won't remember this,
especially the smell, the smell was from you.
All right? And here we go.
Zero, we're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening,
one, you're feeling good, and when you wake up,
you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and [fart] all-righty,
I ripped that one out there and I apologize.
I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
[Gary Phelps:] That was not nice.

[Gary Phelps:] What was that?
[Dr. Stewart:] That was three.
[Gary Phelps:] It didn't sound like three.
[Dr. Stewart:] three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] Do you want a cigarette?
[Gary Phelps:] No I don't.
[Dr. Stewart:] Then my job is done.


[Gary Phelps:] OK, thank you, Doctor.

Me, I'm the Lonesome Kicker
Extra points, field goals at your service
One might think it comes with glory
You might think different after you listen to my story

My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask
What it possibly could protect, I do not know
The other guys on the team
Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads
And also like to hide the special shoe
I need to kick in the snow

People think it's so easy
To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line
They forget to add seven yards for the snap
And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back

In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line
But some of the players were running into them
And getting hurt
So screw the kicker
Who cares about the kicker?

But I kick that ball
And I pray it goes straight
If it does
The coach says Good job, number 8
He doesn't even know my name is
Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr.
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker

Kickoffs can be so very scary
Especially, if the returner breaks on through
And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him
I don't want to get hurt
So I pretend to tie my shoe

Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches
Go back where you came from!
Scream 70,000 fans
Well, I know I could win their love back
By catching a winning touch-down
But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands

And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close
'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes
As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood
And the splinters go deep in my thighs
And the towel boy snickers as he walks by
The Lonesome Kicker

Another blocked kick
And everybody blames me
But it was the Left Guard
Who didn't pick up his man
Oh, why can't they see...

In my home country
I could have been a minor league soccer player
But I came to America
Seeking fortune and seeking fame
I didn't realize that if I shanked one
And blew the point spread
Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi
After the game

So I go home at night
'Cause I never get invited
To go drinking with the other guys
And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot
As I eat a plate of cold french fries
And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend
And my son can't look me in the eyes
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker

Kicking for you
They took my snow shoe
They're going for two

Respect
Respect
You gotta show the fucking respect

Hey there Mr. Leaf Blower Man
Keep it down for goodness sake
It's way too early in the morning
Can't you please use your wooden rake?
You choose to ignore I
Even though me hungover
That's not being nice
So tonight, your head will be covered in lice

Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You shouldn't have given that dirty stare
Voodoo Voodoo
Too late for sorry, go cut off your hair

Hey there old, old woman
Shopping for food at the store
Why'd you run your cart into I
And knock me eggs on the floor
Then took the last unbruised cantelope
And laughed so loud with glee
But you won't be laughing
'Cuz from now on it'll burn when you pee

Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You couldn't have made I any madder
Voodoo Voodoo
That's why I put a curse on your bladder

Boodaloo Boodalay
Boodalee Boodalie
Are the words that he say
When you fuck with I
Voodoo

Hey there Mr. State Trooper
Me was only going 58
Please don't you write up that ticket
It'll ruin me insurance rate
You say you have a quota to meet
So straight to hell with I
Me have only one response
Boodalee Boodalie

Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You cost I 80 dollars cash
Voodoo Voodoo
Me hope you like your new skin rash

Hey you guys, I just wanted to thank you for listening to the record
and I hope you had as much fun as I did and here's one last little diddy just for you.

I used to ride my big wheel, and sell lemonade,
Eat popcorn with grandpa while we watched the parade
But now I'm only happy when I'm drinking J.D.
What the hell happened to me?

I used to have fun throwing snowballs with my best friend Billy
And Mom would make us cocoa if we got too chilly
But now I only get excited when I see a girl pee
What the hell happened to me?

I used to be the nicest kid in the neighborhood
I only did the things that Momma said I should
But now I just do whatever I want
I even whipped it out in a restaurant

I used to help clean the park in the middle of town
And then played kickball til the sun went down
But now all I do is get VD,
What the hell happened to me?

It makes no sense
I can't believe I ended on me
I'm out of my gourd
Won't somebody please, help me?

A do-do-do-do doo a do-do waa do-do-we-oh

I'm kind of a wierdo

Well, I had myself a girlfrield
For almost two whole years
We had no secrets
We had no fears
There was nothing we wouldn't do
When we were in the sack
She'd even pop the zit on my back

But one night I was out cheating
After I drank a few
She caught me red handed
And said we're through
Now she's got a new boyfriend
It nearly gave me a heart attack

'Cuz who's gonna pop this zit on my back?
Well I got a pimple and I don't know why
It keeps growing in the same place
I can't reach it with my left or right hand
I wish it was on my face
It's four days old
And it hurts so bad
But it's ready for a squeeze
Won't somebody pop it for me please?
I'll give you ten dollars

If you're a girl in this lonely world
And you're looking for a guy
I'll never cheat again, I promise
That's no lie
There's only one thing I ask of you
Could we name our first child Zak?
Oh, one more thing
Please pop this zit on my back

I'm dying here!
A pimple ay-hee
A pop-a-doodly-doo
Squirt heedly-hoo

Well I'm sitting alone by the phone
And no one seems to call
I try to scrape my zit off on the kitchen wall
Well that don't work, so I look around
And find a big shiny thumb-tack
Put it on the floor, lay down
Pop the zit on my back